The Heat Still Can't Beat the Bulls, or Grab a Rebound

Well that was rough. Apparently Chicago Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau screened Hoosiers for his team while Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra showed his guys Atlas Shrugged prior to their Game 1 Eastern Conference Finals showdown. Because the Heat were out muscled, and out-hustled by the swarming Bulls, resulting in the face-smashing 103-83 final that featured a lot of Bulls rebounds, a lot of Bulls dunks, and a lot of screamy celebratory faces by Bulls players.

The Heat now find themselves in an 0-1 deficit in the best-of-seven series and will have to wait all the way til Wednesday to right the ship. That should be enough time to wrap up their Celtics victory party, right?

The Good

- BoshBALLS: Chris Bosh was pretty much the entire offense of the Heat. While Dwyane Wade and LeBron James were still apparently celebrating their win over the Celtics, Bosh was busy grabbing nine rebounds and going 12-for-18 from the field and 6-for-6 from the free throw line to the tune of 30 points on the night. Before the game, Carlos Boozer refused to acknowledge Bosh in interviews, calling the Heat the Big Two and generally just being a dick about everything. In Game 1, Bosh outplayed Boozer by 16 points, crashed the boards and dunked in his face, giving Miami their sole highlight reel of the game.

If Bosh can keep this up for the entire series, the Heat should be fine. Of course he's gonna need help from those other two.

The Bad

- REBOUNDS, FOR CHRIST!: The entirety of Miami's Game 1 loss can be chalked up to the Heat standing around watching the Bulls fly towards loose balls and generally playing like they actually give a fuck. Chicago out-rebounded Miami 45-33, including a scrotum-kicking 19 offensive rebounds to the Heat's 6. Chicago also grabbed 31 second chance rebounds. The Heat ended the night with 8 second chance rebounds. The Bulls won this game because they simply created more opportunities to score for themselves. The stat sheet shows that the Heat's defensive rebounding finished at 58.7 percent. But you can just go outside and stare at the turd your neighbor's dog just left on the sidewalk, and it'll give you the same exact information about the Heat's defensive rebounding as that stat.

- LeWhattheshit!?: The Heat are in a giant vat of deep fried shit if LeBron finishes these games with 15 damn points. The Bulls defense clearly made it their mission to fluster James, and apparently it worked because he shot a measly 5-for-15 from the field. James also only went to the free throw line four times all night. For all his otherworldly talents, LeBron has a maddening habit of holding onto the basketball way too long before he attacks. This strategy doesn't work against the goddamn Wizards, let alone the Chicago Bulls. By the time he'd made his decision on how to get his points, the entire Chicago defense had surrounded him and either forced him to pass the ball to Mario Chalmers (ALWAYS a wise decision) or forced him to take a bad shot. Unless LeBron becomes a ninja between now and Wednesday, he's going to have to be quicker and more aggressive on offense.

- The Dwyane Wade Crapfest-pa-looza: Wade scored 18 points on 17 shots, went to the free throw line just four times all night, and was captured in what is thus far the image of the series when Taj Gibson threw down a vicious dunk in his face.

- The Fart Noises Emanating from the Bench: The Bulls bench, led by Taj Gibson's screaming face, scored 28 points. The Heat's bench, meanwhile, did that thing where they suck balls. Just 15 total points from Miami's reserves. They also added seven collective rebounds to their seven collective turnovers.

- This:

Game Two is on Wednesday at 8 p.m.. The next two days on ESPN should be a hoot!

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