While the rest of the America is gleefully welcoming the start of summer, Miamians are dreading it. It's the worst time of the year, full of bugs, heat, and nothing to do. Let us count the ways we're dreading the next few months.
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Having to put on an new coat of deodorant every time you leave the house... even if it's just to go get the mail.
The guy sitting next to you on the bus who smells like he hasn't put on deodorant any time he's left the house since 1972.
It's too hot to enjoy the beach.
You have to buy like prescription strength, super-waterproof sunscreen if you don't want it to sweat off.
Sweat in unmentionable places.
You know exactly what we're talking about. Things sticking together. Smelly bras. Let's not talk about it too much.
Or, as is more common, the constant threat of hurricanes that never actually come through.
The daily 4 p.m. thunderstorms.
And yet while hurricanes aren't guaranteed, this daily weather occurrence is.
Those weird summer tourists.
Relations will always be weird between locals and tourists, but during the winter Miami is an international hot spot with jet-setting, glamorous visitors. People during the summer come from weird European countries no one has ever heard of where fannypacks are still in vogue.
Miami offices tend to have more relaxed dress codes on average than other cities, but now is about the time when we all start wondering if that dress code is relaxed enough to pull off shorts. Of course, you will end up seeing a coworker that you really wish you didn't see wearing shorts.
Nope! These are a no-no! And yet someone will assuredly still try to make it happen.
Everyone is out of town.
"So I was thinking that we could all get together for a picnic next weekend ... Oh Abby's visiting her ex in New York? Oh, right and Juan is visiting his sister in Spain all of June. Then I'm out of town in three weeks. Wait, isn't Lola going to Colorado after that? And Tom's at Disney in July. What about August 3? Is August 3 OK for everyone?" Then on August 3 it rains.
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"Fashion" is near impossible.
The glossy mags like GQ and Vogue suggest outfits like "Put a bright linen jacket over a patterned button-up and consider adding a statement summer silk scarf." Listen, layering in Miami is ill advised most of the time, and actually dangerous during the summer. We're just cutting the sleeves off old T-shirts and picking out basketball shorts in complimenting colors.
This is how much it costs to pay your power bill thanks to constantly cranking the A/C.