Technically, summer is over. For most of the country, the season of sweating like a marathon runner and suffering third-degree sunburns ended two weeks ago, back on September 22. But anyone in Florida will tell you that date is meaningless, because in these parts, summer doesn't end until Halloween, if we're lucky. After six months of humidity that could kill a mermaid, most Miamians wish it would just stop being so damn tropical for a split second so we can breathe.
Yes, we are certainly ready for winter in Miami. In case you're still not sure if you're suffering from Magic City summer burnout, we've compiled a few tell-tale signs.
Pumpkin spice is your new McRib.
Pumpkin spice has taken over the world. It's in your beer, coffee, food, water, toothpaste, dog's hair, everything. It's like the Pitbull of flavors. If you got borderline sexually aroused the first time you saw pumpkin spice was back, you're ready for winter, and you have yourself a really fucked-up fetish on your hands, but no judgment.
You're ready to go outside without the fear of heat stroke.
In theory, it seems like a wholesome idea: Get outside, enjoy the beautiful weather, and then the minute you step outside, you realize some ideas just sound better in your head. If you're one of those beach bums with a perpetually perfect tan and beach gear in your trunk, good for you. The rest of us will be inside if you need us, in manmade structures, with climate control, and Netflix.
You can't wait to see snow so you can remember why it sucks.
Snow sucks, but we like things we can't have, so the idea of snow seems cool this time of year. The problem is there is a reason why your parents moved to Florida, and it wasn't because orange juice sucked in Ohio. It was because snow is a piece of shit, and you should not be in it unless you completely have to. You will forget this again come next October and talk about how "we should go see snow," but you shouldn't -- you shouldn't ever go see snow, because snow sucks.
You hung your Halloween decorations in September, because you're that guy.
Every year, Halloween decorations seem to go up earlier and earlier, probably because it's the first sign the holiday season is upon us, or a child in your life is the boss of you. Regardless, it's the first true sign you're ready to turn your back on summer. Let's take a timeout here to remind people to buy some candy and open their doors for the kids -- stop being such joyless weirdos and use your DVR to pause Homeland for a second.
Your allergies are so bad you might kill someone if you sneeze again.
I've had the sniffles for a month. Everyone at work most likely is sure I have a violent cocaine habit. I'm over it. Flowers are stupid, and if my wife is reading this, yeah I said it, it feels good to come clean. Also, when you're taking a shower, I totally eat stuff I'm not supposed to. Ha!
You're so grumpy that sometimes you even hate yourself.
Bitchassness is rampant in the summer in Florida, and if you're like me, you sometimes get to realizing what a total ass you're being. There is actual terminology for this. It's called "summer SAD (seasonal affective disorder)," and it's a really real thing, you guys. It turns out cooking like a rotisserie chicken leads to not being at your kindest, so yeah, if you're sick of that, you're ready for winter like I am. Legalize it! I have a condition!
A/C bills have left you feeling like a Bernie Madoff victim.
Who likes higher A/C bills? If you're ready for FPL to kiss your entire ass, you're welcoming the cooler temperatures. Stupid Fatherless Power & Light.
Mosquitoes. No more goddamn mosquitoes.
Oh, you're having a good time at that twilight barbecue, are you? Wait till you get home and realize your ass was on the menu too. Mosquitoes are such assholes. There is truly no argument in their defense -- they suck. I almost made it through this one without making that cheesy joke. Almost.
Something is developing off the coast of Africa that is coming to ruin your life, and you've had about enough of it.
Warning! Watch! Depression! Storm! HURRICANE! Bottled water! Enough already -- this is bullshit. If you look forward to the days when your pantry is more bottled beer than bottled water, you're probably over the summer and sick of hearing about hurricane season.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
Newsletters
Holiday shopping is already on your mind.
If you have begun to think about holiday shopping, you're ready for winter. I tend to wait until the paycheck before Christmas to do mine, because I'm a poor adult, but that's more of a personal issue and less a sign I can't let go of summer.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.
Or sign in with a social account:
FACEBOOK GOOGLE + TWITTER YAHOO!