As wereported yesterday
, Miami International Airport mysteriously burst into flames. The incident caused massive delays, an untold amount of damage, and both tourists and locals to lose their shit.
But what really happened to cause the fire? We brought in our crack team of arson experts and they came up with this list of possible explanations for the inferno:
1. God Hates Techno:
The sold-out Ultra Music Festival starts today, drawing techno lovers from all around the world -- at least, until MIA shut down. Maybe the big guy upstairs isn't too keen on electronica after all.
We know from the movies that meth explodes when people try to flush it down the toilet, and what bigger shit hole is there than MIA? Don't ask us to explain this theory; it just makes sense.
In a related theory, perhaps MIA has fallen so low that it doused itself in jet fuel, lit a match, and tried to put itself out of its own misery.
4. Spontaneous Tourist Self-Combustion:
We love tourists: like bright pink clowns, they wander the streets of Miami Beach in socks and sandals, bringing us nothing but amusement. But with higher blood alcohol content than Boris Yeltsin and grade 2 sunburns, they are highly explosive. Who's to say one didn't go off at MIA on their way back to the Jersey shore?
5. OMFG!!! Justin Bieber's Hair!
Coud the Biebz's famous mop have brought MIA to a halt? Yesterday we reported that the teenage Canadian pop singer's much-coveted sandy locks were due in Miami soon for a charity event. Were they brought in under the cover of darkness, only for the Japanese Yakuza to stage a fiery raid on the precious pelo? Michael Bay: we call dibs on this one.
6. Carlito's Way... Out:
Before the fire, this week's big story was the continuing fallout from the recall election. Then, Presto! One giant smoke ball later and the subject is completely dropped. Has anyone seen
county mayor Carlos Alvarez recently?
7. Seijas Goes Up in Smoke:
Also booted in the recall was the Wicked Witch of Northwest Miami-Dade: Natacha Seijas. Several clues at the scene of the fire indicate that the ex-politician finally melted on the way out of town, most notably a Vanessa Brito voodoo doll.
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8. Terry Jones:
Sadly, after six months of desperate, attention-seeking threats, Terry Jones -- the pastor at the tiny, fundamentalist Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville -- finally started lighting Korans on fire last weekend. Was this the next batch, culled from Islamophobic loonies across this great redneck nation of ours?
9. Miami Police/Old Ladies Packing Heat:
If we've learned anything from the past six months, it's that there is nothing more dangerous than a trigger-happy Miami police officer... except maybe for a 92-year-old lady with a gun and a grudge. Considering this is firearm-friendly Florida, either one could have pulled their piece and started the MIA ordeal.
10. Anniversary Fire
One hundred years ago Thursday, America witnessed one of its worst ever fires: the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire on NYC's Lower East Side, which claimed 146 lives. Maybe fire just got nostalgic for the good old days before the government started invading our lives by saving them with those pesky sprinklers. But in all seriousness, we're just glad this week's fire didn't hurt anyone, whatever its cause.