Sunburns and Vibrators: Highlights From The Aqua Girl Pool Party

There's a tall tale about female lobsters -- one that's supposed to serve as a grim analogy for womankind. As it goes, two things happen when you're boiling a pot of live lobsters. (1) If the pot is full of males, they will scramble to form a ladder with their bodies and help one another escape. (2) If the pot is full of females, they'll grab and claw, and hold one another down until they drown. It's an urban legend, one of those pop-feminist "facts" that has spread across the internet like a case of herpes simplex two.

It's horrible to say, but we couldn't help expecting the Aqua Girl pool party to be a little bit like this. Hundreds of women were packed into the same small, gated space. The noontime sun was unfathomably hot. And there was VERY little shade or water. Miami's claim to lesbian fame had all the makings for a total bust.

But something happens when you get a group of women together who all want to have sex -- with each other. It's weird. There's an unexpected Woodstock kind of vibe in the air. Maybe it's all the outdoor drinking, making out with strangers, and that whole zero-risk-of-pregnancy thing? Who knows. Sufficed to say there was very little clothing. And, also, lots of girls grinding on one another. The Miami Heat dancers also appeared, in order to make a poolside booty-drop, at which point tourists outside the Surfcomber Hotel gate began to videotape. Across from them, two women at a booth sold vibrating pink contraptions. They were rail-thin with black electrical tape fashioned into Xs over their Cheerio-sized hipster breasts. We've never seen so much unabashed PDA is one place.

Not to say that it was one big Hustler fantasy. There were some buzz kills. For example, a large drunk girl threw a football directly into our friend's face. The DJ played Will Smith's "Welcome to Miami" at least twice. There was no oil wrestling this year. And there more magenta-colored white girls than you could count on ten hands. (Gender Bender included.)

It's hard to complain, though. All the profits went to the Aqua Girl Foundation, a non profit that "promotes equality, strength, and health" of GLBT ladies. It's the largest charity women's week in the country.

Overall? Totally worth the sunburn.

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Natalie O'Neill
Contact: Natalie O'Neill