Sorry, Miamians, FIU Isn’t Offering a Major in “305 ‘Til I Die”

Florida International University deserves a slow clap. Last Friday, the school pulled off one of the funnier Miami-related April Fools’ Day pranks we’ve seen in a while. 

In a video posted on its official Facebook page, the school proudly announced a new major focus in Miami studies, or, as it’s officially termed, the “305 Til I Die” degree. Finally a course explaining all the complexities of Miami life and bringing street smarts into the university setting. 

Of course you’ll learn all about the mathematical paradoxes of Miami time (a phenomenon that not even quantum physicists have been able to fully explain before), all the major keys to success from professor Khaled, and a thoroughly immersive experience in learning Spanglish. 

But there’s always room for improvement in a new and growing major. 

Allow us to make a few suggestions for an expanded curriculum: 

• Financial planning from the diamond princess herself, Professor Trina. 
• Experimental theories in how to defy gravity, taught by local plastic surgeons. 
• Basic local geography taught by anyone besides LeBron “Taking My Talents to South Beach” James. 
• Fiction by Rick Ross.
• “Getting Ahead Without Doing Much Work” by Marco Rubio (he needs a job anyway). 
• Free Speech 101 by Uncle Luke. 
• A class in how to deal with common local legal problems, like when your neighbor leaves dead roosters in your yard or when your wife owes money to a male stripper, taught by Telemundo courtroom show Caso Cerrado host Ana Maria Polo. 
• “Planning for Your Future” with Walter Mercado.