Last week, in an attempt to curb the spread of the novel coronavirus, Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Gimenez issued an order requiring people to wear masks or find another way to cover their faces while visiting grocery stores, pharmacies, and restaurants across the county.
But almost no one outside of healthcare workers has access to the highly in-demand medical-grade N95 masks that best prevent infection — and that has led to some classic 305 ingenuity. In these quarantine times, Miamians have been spotted wearing some eye-poppingly creative facial coverings. Here are our favorites, as seen from a checkout line near you.
The story here seems pretty clear: Almost certainly, this guy was turned away from Publix because he wasn't wearing a mask. Not a problem — our hero foraged around the parking lot and found the closest roped-off bench. He used his car keys to slice off a portion of the caution tape, tied it around his mouth, and waltzed right back into that store. You've almost gotta hand it to him.
A brown paper bag
OK, this is just downright practical. Plus, we commend the environmental friendliness of this option. Bring your own bags, people!
Forget about that now-canceled diving trip in Key Largo — Target is as a fine a place as any to practice your underwater breathing (minus, you know, the water). This is what we're all after, right? Our own little supply of fresh, uncontaminated air? If you've got it, flaunt it.
Some sort of alien Green Man getup
Slay! This shopper gets beaucoup style points. The head covering and gloves provide personal protection, while the Spandex suit supplies dead-ass sex appeal. We wouldn't dream of walking in these lace-up stiletto platforms on a regular day, let alone during a quarantine. Enjoy that kombucha, queen!
Whatever the hell this thing is
This woman wins the award for most terrifying facial covering. Whoever this is, she looks like she decapitated some abuelita's Chihuahua and is wearing its head as her trophy. Hard pass.
A sad pair of Hanes tighty-whities
The look in this cashier's eye says it all. Johnny Cash could have written a hit song based on this photo of our Publix dude's facial expression. Word on the street has it this employee took a job at Trader Joe's immediately after ringing up this monster of a customer.
Honestly, the underpants seem nearly as despondent as the cashier. Just look at those droopy drawers! They were destined for so much more this. Based on the elastic, it looks like a fresh, springy pair that was probably excited to finally leave the aisles of Target and find a forever home. Instead, its owner paraded poor Hanes around in public on top of his goddam head. For shame.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.