Here Are the Ridiculous Things Miamians Are Wearing as Masks

Last week, in an attempt to curb the spread of the novel coronavirus, Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Gimenez issued an order requiring people to wear masks or find another way to cover their faces while visiting grocery stores, pharmacies, and restaurants across the county.

But almost no one outside of healthcare workers has access to the highly in-demand medical-grade N95 masks that best prevent infection — and that has led to some classic 305 ingenuity. In these quarantine times, Miamians have been spotted wearing some eye-poppingly creative facial coverings. Here are our favorites, as seen from a checkout line near you.

Caution tape

The story here seems pretty clear: Almost certainly, this guy was turned away from Publix because he wasn't wearing a mask. Not a problem — our hero foraged around the parking lot and found the closest roped-off bench. He used his car keys to slice off a portion of the caution tape, tied it around his mouth, and waltzed right back into that store. You've almost gotta hand it to him.
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COVID19 chronicles #ONLYinDADE | @pr_chardii

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A brown paper bag

OK, this is just downright practical. Plus, we commend the environmental friendliness of this option. Bring your own bags, people!
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Scuba gear

Forget about that now-canceled diving trip in Key Largo — Target is as a fine a place as any to practice your underwater breathing (minus, you know, the water). This is what we're all after, right? Our own little supply of fresh, uncontaminated air? If you've got it, flaunt it.

Some sort of alien Green Man getup

Slay! This shopper gets beaucoup style points. The head covering and gloves provide personal protection, while the Spandex suit supplies dead-ass sex appeal. We wouldn't dream of walking in these lace-up stiletto platforms on a regular day, let alone during a quarantine. Enjoy that kombucha, queen!

Whatever the hell this thing is

This woman wins the award for most terrifying facial covering. Whoever this is, she looks like she decapitated some abuelita's Chihuahua and is wearing its head as her trophy. Hard pass.
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Meanwhile at #Publix #publix #Lifestyle_Miami

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A sad pair of Hanes tighty-whities

The look in this cashier's eye says it all. Johnny Cash could have written a hit song based on this photo of our Publix dude's facial expression. Word on the street has it this employee took a job at Trader Joe's immediately after ringing up this monster of a customer.

Honestly, the underpants seem nearly as despondent as the cashier. Just look at those droopy drawers! They were destined for so much more this. Based on the elastic, it looks like a fresh, springy pair that was probably excited to finally leave the aisles of Target and find a forever home. Instead, its owner paraded poor Hanes around in public on top of his goddam head. For shame.
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Jessica Lipscomb is news editor of Miami New Times and an enthusiastic Florida Woman. Born and raised in Orlando, she has been a finalist for the Livingston Award for Young Journalists.
Contact: Jessica Lipscomb