| Sports |

Shine On You Crazy Mormon

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Cam Cameron is going to get fired. Not so much because he's an idiot. But because he refused the will of God. Cameron defiantly decided against starting John Beck against the Bengals in the final meaningless regular season game and, instead, started Cleo Lemon because he gave us the best chance to win (Ed. note: someone! get me a vomit bag!) So God had to intervene. He smote Lemon with a hip injury (Ed. note: like Jacob!) and opened the heavenly gates of stardom for Beck to come in and do his thing. Lemon goes down, Beck comes in. On the very first play, Beck fumbles the snap, allowing Cincinnati's Chinedum Ndukwe (Ed. note: spell check just took a shit!) to recover the ball and run it back for a 54 yard touchdown. I'm not gonna lie to you. After that play, I was ready to hop on the next plane to Iowa so I could find Mitt Romney and punch him in the nuts.

It seemed, for that brief moment, that perhaps The Mormon was going to go the way of Tim Couch. Another highly touted quarterback prospect who fumbles his way out of the league and then succumbs to the lure of steroids so he could continue to suck but at least be really buff and muscular while sucking. But Beck was able to recover from the devastating start. And the dude was able to lead the Fins to two touchdown drives the likes of which John Smith himself would be proud of if only he understood what football was. (Ed. note: perhaps if we showed him some clips of the Redskins or Chiefs).

Beck was able to finish the day 13 for 21, for 135 yards, two touchdowns and a 96.3 passer rating. He rushed for his first touchdown and threw his second to Derek Hagan (Ed. note: he caught it!). When Beck had his groove going, he demonstrated a killer quick-release and showed a lot of moxie when the team was in no-huddle mode. Sadly enough, it took an injury to Lemon for us all to see what we originally needed to see prior to this game anyway. Coming into this week, there were doubts about Beck. Let's face it, in his last few starts, he resembled the piss-boy more than he resembled the heir to the Marino throne. Now we at least have been reassured that Beck can play the quarterback position when he gets the help (Ed. note: thanks Lorenzo Booker!) and gets into a rhythm (Ed note.: thanks Ted Ginn!). Thanks to the fact that Cleo Lemon can't scramble worth dick, and was able to get banged up, Beck was able to come in so that we, and particularly Bill Parcells, could see that he is just fine and that if we build around him, The Mormon can be a successful quarterback for the Miami Dolphins. Go get em, John! And for Godsakes, stop fucking fumbling the ball!!! Rub your hands on your magical underwear before every game, would ya! -- Chris Joseph

For more on sports from Chris Joseph go to FinsNation.com.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.