Schick Markets Pansy-Ass Xtreme3 Razor to Miamians

The Wilkinson Sword company was founded in 1772. It made bayonets.

Now it's making disposable men's razors with scented handles and selling them by saying the aroma will help guys wake up in the morning.

Schick and Wilkinson Sword merged in 1993 and have since been pushing seven-blade safety razors that never cut you and sometimes whisper encouraging phrases into your ear, despite your grandpappy doing the same job with nothing but a straight razor and a helmet full of ice water. And they have a new poll to prove just how much you need them.

The company's "Refresh Your Scents" survey hit up 150 people in each of ten cities across the country, and Miami was numero uno in respondents who said they "woke up with the feeling that they were ready for the day ahead of them," according to a Schick spokesman. Surprisingly, Miamians are more eager to start the day than residents of even Detroit and Seattle, which are usually hotbeds of enthusiasm and good news.

In addition, 93 percent of Miamians "strongly appreciate the power of scent," though this reporter is inclined to believe that this number can be attributed to a huge misunderstanding involving the definition of scent in Urban Dictionary.

More disturbing, the survey also revealed that 54 percent of men from Miami "don't always wake up feeling refreshed," which seems to indicate that the other 46 percent just don't wake up. It is unclear how any of this correlates to Miamians wanting to wake up and face the day. The spokesman also wrote in an email that 17 percent of men from Miami browse Facebook "to refresh their mood."

Unrelated social-networking observations aside, Schick has a solution: smells. Smells are good. Smells wake you up, the thinking goes. And now your razor will smell great -- you know, like a girl razor.

It was an idea originally rejected in 2005 for being too "unmanly," according to the New York Times, but now the company thinks men have gone soft enough to want the "Schick Xtreme3 FitStyle Refresh," which isn't priced (or listed) on the company's website, but we guess a four-pack will cost $8 plus the respect of your father.

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Rich Abdill
Contact: Rich Abdill