Riptide's favorite hometown SNL star turned wacko tea party songstress, Victoria Jackson, is back writing columns for Andrew Brietbart's Big Hollywood. She's decided Sarah Palin is "the perfect feminist." Unfortunately she doesn't seem to have much of a grasp on what feminism actually is, and take swipes at single mothers and female police officers. The "good" news is that she wrote a new song about kitty poop, and has announced her intentions to move back to Florida.
"The perfect Feminist is Sarah Palin," writes Jackson.
"She is beautiful, thin, even athletic, successful, happily married, a good mother and a grandmother. She's got it all - everything those Suffragettes were fighting for back in 1920. Not only can she vote, she got voted for! And, she was a great Governor. She's got everything those sixties Gloria Steinem's wanted. But, the Gloria's won't admit it because Sarah thinks 'right.' Liberals want tolerance, but only for themselves."
Yes, yes don't we remember those horrible, horrible times when women were not allowed to be beautiful, thin, and good mothers? When patriarchal society said to ladies, "Listen up females, you gotta be fat and ugly, and horrible mothers too boot! See that crying kid of your over there? Ignore it and go eat yourself five cheeseburgers."
Surely we remember from our history books all those times brave women like Susan B. Anthony and Lucretia Mott stood up and said, "No, society, no. Women demand the right to be thin and beautiful!"
Oh wait, that is not what Suffragettes were fighting for at all.
This isn't to deny that perhaps Palin hasn't contributed to feminism in her own unique way. We're just saying Jackson's idea of feminism -- that women should be happily married, attractive, successful and good mothers -- isn't feminist at all.
In fact, we'd argue that many feminist, those who believe women shouldn't have to play be defines roles and should be able to live their lives as freely and be offered as many opportunities to do so as men, would say that by definition there is no such thing as a "perfect feminist."
But Jackson seems to be hung up on the idea that feminism means women should have to live up to all those traditional societal roles as well as have a successful career.
"Now, I watch other women bragging about their single parenting," she writes. 'They "don't need a man.' They can buy a baby. They can do anything a man can do. Well, they look stupid and desperate to me."
Yeah, because that's how most single mothers end up as single mothers. They buy their babies, apparently, at the baby store. You've been to the baby store right? You see all those career women lining up waiting for babies during their lunch breaks from their CEO jobs. No, of course most single mothers aren't raising their children alone because the father is a deadbeat. They buy those babies.
"When I'm being chased by a murderer/rapist/what-have-you, I'd rather have a big, strong man protecting me than a woman," she continues. "I had a cop once, who came to the site of my car accident. She had long, blonde hair blowin' in the wind, and two inch long, bright pink, fake nails. I mean, really. How do you get your finger through that hole to pull the trigger? I can't even button my blouse with fake nails. Yeesh!"
Why exactly a police officer would need to discharge their gun during a routine traffic accident stop we are not exactly sure.
Then Jackson goes on to tell her readers of her own struggles with being a feminist. The good news is she declares, "I promptly told my family I'd leave my beloved friends and adventures in LA and move back to Florida to be the Grandma to my upcoming first grandchild due Jan. 1, 2011."
Oh thank the Lords, Victoria Jackson is returning.
She then unleashes the lyrics to her new song. Here's the first verse:
There's a cat litter box with no kitty poop in it.
There is silence in every room.
There are toys here and there,
But no laughter anywhere.
Shadows dance as I wade through the gloom.
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And the last:
Feminism. Such a strange word. When I hear it I first think of the most masculine and angry women, women with not a shred of femininity. Funny
how words are. Then, I think of the meaning they want it to hold. And that word is Sarah Palin.
Actually, "Sarah Palin" is two words, but we'll be glad to have you back in Florida soon Vicky!