Rep. Tries to Restrict Massage Parlor Ads, Only to Get Us Turgid

Republican state Rep. Rachel Burgin recently proposed an amendment that took aim at quote-unquote massage parlors in a recent bill dealing with business regulations.

The first part of the bill details regulations on advertising these businesses (which would have some implications for New Times and our fellow alt-weeklies). The first provision would require all massage services to include a license number in the ads. I just checked the "Health & Wellness" section of our classifieds, and all of ours show license numbers, so that doesn't seem like a huge problem.

The second provision would ban suggestive language, such as the following:

Wording that might, depending upon the context,

be used to convey that sexual stimulation or sexual gratification is offered includes, but is not limited to, "actresses," "all our escorts have health certificates," "all our models have health certificates," "bodies beautiful," "girls galore," "call us and make your point," "call us, we come to you," "climax," "couples and swingers," "desires," "direct to your room," "do you want a swinger," "dominance," "double delight," "erotic," "erotic encounters," "exciter," "fantasies," "fetishes," "for adults only," "fox hunting," "fulfill," "girls

to go," "happy endings," "hard-core," "hot," "it's legal in Florida," "love," "maid," "maids," "maid service," "make your point," "massages," "models," "models, girls, or escorts in the privacy of your hotel or motel room," "models, girls, or escorts to act out your fantasies," "no need to leave your hotel," "no need to leave your hotel room," "nude models," "open 24 hours for your desires," "open 24 hours for your pleasure," "outcall," "rooms provided," "satisfy," "seductive," "sensuous," "sexy," "showers," "showgirls," "showguys," "so good," "someone to enjoy," "special services," "spend some time with me," "spice," "spicy," "submit to pleasure," "swingers and couples," "swinging," "tantalizing," "the pleasure is yours," "the utmost in discretion," "two for one," "warm," "we come direct to you," "we deliver," "we deliver the goods," "we go out," "we have a model, escort, or girl for your every need," "we respond immediately," "you always win," and "you won't be disappointed."

I want to talk to the legislative intern who was forced to do the research for this.

But wait -- it only gets better.

There would be a ban on which images could be depicted. The following would have been out of the question: "Any portion of the female breast below the top of the

nipple with less than a fully opaque covering," and "covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state."

Oh, baby, reading this amendment is getting me turgid.

Burgin eventually withdrew the legislation, in part because all the mean male representatives were chuckling like third-graders at the dirty words.

[Naked Politics: "Climax," "fetishes," "swingers" and happy endings]

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Kyle Munzenrieder