Really, Dolphins? Really?

What's it like to be a fan of the Miami Dolphins? All you need to do is look at the team's very first drive of Sunday's clustercrap of a game to know. That or have someone take a crowbar to your crotch, full Gillooly.

The Fins opened things with a perfectly executed nine-and-a-half-minute, 17-play, 94-yard drive that brought them all the way to the San Diego two-yard line. And then Ronnie Brown proceeded to fumble the ball and watch helplessly as it careened out of the back of the end zone, awarding the Chargers a touchback. The epitome of Miami Dolphins football: They do everything right but can't close the deal. The ultimate cock block.

And once that drive was DOA, well, everything went downhill from there. And by downhill, we of course mean, "massive lumps of shit began to hit the fan."

Chad Pennington suffered a shoulder injury that knocked him out of the game. Joey Porter aggravated his hamstring injury. The secondary spontaneously combusted. And Ted Ginn Jr. continued to suffer from an extreme bout of the suck.

The biggest news of the day had to be Pennington's injury. The oft-injured Pennington seems to have been playing on borrowed time, but time came to collect its due with interest. Pennington is a gamer, but the man just can't stay healthy -- the heart of a lion but the bone density of glass. And now it seems as if the Dolphins will likely lose him for a good while, paving the way for the Chad Henne era to commence sooner than anticipated. With Pennington's shoulder turning to mulch, the Dolphins called on Henne to save the day and play Tom Brady to Pennington's Drew Bledsoe. Henne's performance, however, left more questions than answers. Questions like: Is he always going to look this rattled? And does he know you're not supposed to throw the football when you're three yards past the line of scrimmage?

In a nutshell, the Fins gained 94 yards on that first drive but barely made it to 190 total for the rest of the game. The result, an 0-3 record (on a day when even the Lions won!), an injured quarterback, and no answers at receiver or in the secondary.

So what's it like being a fan of the Miami Dolphins? It's pretty much an exercise in futility, wasting the days wondering if perhaps there are better things to do with your time than suffering over this team. Things like maybe trying to find a cure for the swine flu or making a difference in a world ravaged by war, lead-filled Chinese toys, and emo vampires running amok. Or maybe building a time machine to thwart tragedies or go back to April 2007 and punch Cam Cameron in the dick for drafting Ted Ginn Jr. You know, things like that.

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Chris Joseph