For decades, one of two statues in the U.S. Capitol meant to celebrate famed Florida residents has depicted Gen. Edmund Kirby Smith. But Smith was a Confederate general with few noteworthy accomplishments. Even worse, he was barely a Florida man. He never even lived in the Sunshine State after the age of 12.
So it's high time that Florida
That's right, fellow Florida Men and Florida Women. It is time to celebrate your glorious heritage. Who shall adorn the shining halls of Congress to celebrate our fine state?
There are the obvious answers: Everglades savior Marjorie Stoneman Douglas and railway magnate Henry Flagler. Even Walt Disney is sure to get some strong consideration.
But we appeal to you, good Florida people, to think hard about who most accurately represents our state. Others have already begun brainstorming, such as Sen. Marco Rubio, who came up with this gem of a plan last night, presumably after binging on Cigar City ales and watching Cocaine Cowboys:
Others have gotten more meta with the idea:
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If there's one thing we have complete faith in, it's the depraved creativity of Florida residents. Our statue in the U.S. Capitol should immediately set us apart — no one wandering into the statuary hall should glance into our corner and wonder, Hmm, is that Nebraska? Or Idaho?
Now, technically, the rules require the statue to depict someone who's been dead for at least ten years, though they don't have to be Florida-born as long as they're strongly associated with the state. Fictitious characters are also discouraged.
But that shouldn't limit our imagination. Because we deserve Uncle Luke rapping midway through "Face Down, Ass Up" or Vanilla Ice in full '90s glory. We deserve Tony Montana hovering over a desk full of cocaine. We deserve Patricia Ebel, the bikini-clad grandma who failed a sobriety test in Naples last year, and Joshua James, who threw a live alligator through a Wendy's drive-thru window.