Happy finals, Heat fans! It's June, so you know what that must mean -- your Miami Heat is just a handful of wins away from an NBA title. At this point, Heat fans should treat game one of the NBA Finals like a holiday and get one another presents, maybe put up a tree, light candles, or order Chinese food the night before. It's a 305 tradition now.
For the fourth straight season, the Heat guys find themselves still playing basketball games in June, and that's pretty damn amazing. The Knicks have backpacked all of Europe at this point, yet the Heat is still in season. All that stands between the Heat and its coveted three-peat is the Western Conference champion San Antonio Spurs. Almost everyone, it seems, is picking the Spurs to avenge last season's epic finals defeat to the Heat. Apparently, America didn't get the memo: The Miami Heat is the one that knocks; it is the danger.
Don't believe the hype. The Heat is the real favorite, and here are 20 superscientific, really-real reasons why.
1. Because America still hasn't learned, the Miami Heat will turn your hate into tears and then use those tears as victory lubricant.
2. Because in Miami we buy things, like fake breasts, for instance. If you're expecting an apology for this, you'll be waiting a long-ass time on that tractor, Kenneth.
3. Because White Hot Miami Heat Chihuahua does not tolerate losing. Look at his face. LOOK AT IT. Is that a face that looks like it deals well with losing? You're damn right it's not.
4. Because Shane Battier, indubitably.
5. Because Pat Riley ordered the boats burned long ago, so the Heat has no choice but to win, because Michael Beasley used all of our travel money on scratch-off tickets and gas-station empanadas.
6. Dwyane Wade is healthy, unlike at last year's finals.
7. Because this will haunt the Spurs forever, and they will never get over it. TWENTY-EIGHT-POINT-DOS, BABY.
8. What Miami Heat Grandma wants, Miami Heat Grandma gets. Are you gonna steal from an elderly woman, San Antonio? (Editor's note: Never search "Heat Grandma" with your image search filter off -- some things cannot be unseen.)
9. In Spo we trust, except if he plays Michael Beasley; then the Spurs might have a slim chance.
10. Obviously. Because obviously, obviously. This is bad for you, Spurs.
11. Chris Bosh turns into a raging Tyrannosaurus rex against the Spurs (shooting 76 percent against them this year), yet he keeps it classy.
12. We have Stitches, and there is no reasoning with crazy, so you lose, San Antonio, unless you want the business end of some extendos.
13. This is the Spurs' most famous fan, and someone has to pay the price for this man. A Spurs win would bring happiness to this. Does anyone really want that? His mom even?
14. Udonis Haslem has us on his back, so we ain't got no worries, but you definitely do. He will FUCK YOU UP, HE WILL!
15. Because haters never prosper. It's a sign of weakness, a weakness the Miami Heat snatches out of your hand and slaps you across the face with.
16. Tim Duncan is an old curmudgeon who is incapable of feeling happiness, so he doesn't deserve any more ships.
17. Because nobody who thought this was a good idea should be rewarded. They should at most be jailed and at least not get to house an NBA champion.
18. Miami. Heat. Rally. Squirrel. Works every time, most of the time. No lead is insurmountable with the Rally Squirrel on our side, except sometimes.
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19. Miami has to deal with the Dolphins losing every year, so we get the Heat. It's science.
20. Taaaa-daaaaaaaaa! THAT'S WHY! LET'S GO, HEAT.
The Miami Heat takes on the San Antonio Spurs in the 2014 NBA Finals beginning tonight. Game one starts at 9 p.m. in San Antonio.