Forget Flagler, Tuttle, and Brickell. We need to start naming streets and bridges after a historical figure whose legacy is honored every day here in South Florida: Charles Ponzi. With heavyweight scammers Bernie Madoff and Allen Stanford basing their operations here, we've become the nation's undisputed champion of the classic "Look Ma, no investment!" investment scam.
So to be honest, this award belongs to all of us in South Florida: the regulators and cops who were presumably playing Snood as the financial conmen schemed, and the dentists who invested their retirement savings with the guy wearing an Affliction t-shirt and a nightclub wristband.
Meet accused Ponzi schemer and convicted douche Sean Healy. Sure, the 38-year old pride of Weston managed to steal only $15 million from investors, according to federal prosecutors, but boy, did he do it in style. For one, he allegedly never actually invested one penny for his 44 clients. And secondly, as NBCMiami reported, he and his wife, a former Hooters' waitress, spent their ill-begotten cash like Lil' Wayne on a crystal meth binge. A few of the highlights of their spree:
- The Healys bought a $2.4 million mansion from destitute former football legend Bernie Kosar, which confirms that this Weston spread is rat-bait for our region's most fiscally irresponsible. We're pretty sure Scott Storch subletted it at some point.
- They also kept a shah's stable of tacky vehicles worth more than a million bucks. Sean's wife Shalese had "23 luxury vehicles titled in her name", according to an indictment. The couple purchased a red Ferrari, two Lamborghinis, matching his and her Porsches, a stretch limo, and, of course, ;the staple of all douchedom, the $35,000 Hummer golf cart. This world would be a much better place if every time somebody ordered a Hummer golf cart from the factory, a pipe bomb was mailed instead.
- And of course, there was the jewelry (this blog post should really be narrated by Robin Leach). They spent $1.4 million on his-and-her ice. Although we haven't seen details on what types of jewelry they had, we would bet a bottle of Cristal, an Ed Hardy hat, and a VIP pass to Mansion Nightclub that he had at least one diamond Superman pendant.
- To top it all off, the Healys drank from Versace goblets- which we're guessing even Gianni himself would classify as "a bit much." In our opinion, if you're not Lil' Jon or Scandinavian royalty, you should really be drinking out of an good ol' fashioned cup.
But despair no further, dear reader, for this story has a happy ending (unless you're the chiropractor who invested $12 million with Healy; you're screwed, dude). The alleged scam artist has been charged with wire fraud, mail fraud, and money laundering- yet more evidence that God hates Douche. But the hero behind Healy's indictment has to be the man himself. From an attorney representing one of his victims:
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"It makes no sense to me. If you're gonna run a multimillion dollar scam like this, you think you'd have an exit strategy and there's clearly not one in this case."