Merry Christmas (Eve) Miami. By now, you are probably sick of crappy carols that bear no resemblance to your lush tropical life. Gold rings make sense. But colly birds? Not so much. And what the f*ck is this es-no that is supposed to be falling everywhere? The only powder we are familiar with is the kind you tap onto a key and snort.

But lest you blow off the holiday completely, we have put together a very Miami version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." So get out the caja china, mix yourself an egg nog, and sing along.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

A manatee molester in Tampa Bay.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Two NBA trophies

[and a manatee molester in Tampa Bay].

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Three Occupy Miami members accused of terrorism

[Two NBA trophies and... you get the idea].

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Four people stabbed on Halloween.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Five days suspension for Fidel-lovin' Ozzie.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Six Northwestern High School drummers drumming (in a raunchy music video alongside a porn star).

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Seven busty "B-girls" swindling drunkards.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Eight percent unemployment (that's an improvement!).

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

Nine politicians a-repenting (for selling us out to shady stadium pusher Jeffrey Loria).

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

10 years in prison for Buju Banton (for allegedly conspiring to traffic cocaine -- see, we told you we'd get yeyo in here somehow)

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

11 seasons of Ricky Williams (before he retired to become a homeopathic healer).

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On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...

12 Marlins stars sold for nothing...

11 seasons of Ricky
10 years for Buju
Nine repentant pols
Eight percent unemployment
Seven busty B-girls
Six drummers drumming
Five day suspension
Four Halloween stabbings
Three Occu-terrorists
Two NBA trophies
And a manatee molester in Tampa Bay.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.

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