Merry Christmas (Eve) Miami. By now, you are probably sick of crappy carols that bear no resemblance to your lush tropical life. Gold rings make sense. But colly birds? Not so much. And what the f*ck is this es-no that is supposed to be falling everywhere? The only powder we are familiar with is the kind you tap onto a key and snort.

But lest you blow off the holiday completely, we have put together a very Miami version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas." So get out the caja china, mix yourself an egg nog, and sing along.