Miamians Complain About Weather as Rest of Country Freezes

If you're a working stiff like us, you might have noticed a slight change in your routine this morning. You hopped out of bed ready to take on the day, your planned outfit of cut-off shorts and flip-flops neatly arranged atop your dresser. Next, you sat at your computer and flexed your fingers, preparing to type yet another Facebook diatribe about Miami's overly warm winter, or a tweet to taunt the rest of the country, where record-breaking temperatures have plummeted into the double-digit negatives.

You were going over the two options in your mind when, suddenly, you paused, fingers clenched in mid-flex. That bed you just vacated beckoned for your return. You longed to roll in its luxurious folds and to be embraced by the inanimate arms of your husband pillow. Your bare feet suddenly felt a bit too bare. In fact, you slowly became aware of your extremities for the first time in months due to the fact they were all tingling.

Anyone who was awake at 7 o'clock this morning: Congratulations. You survived the coldest hour of Miami's year. At 50 degrees, it wasn't exactly an emergency situation (although, for some reason, Broward County declared a cold weather emergency that lasted from 6:30 p.m. yesterday until 8 a.m. today). More like a mild discomfort. South Florida is by far the warmest place in the United States right now. Still, prepare to hear a lot of complaining. Although the lowest recorded temperature in Miami is 27 degrees, that was in 1917, way before the internet gave people an avenue to bitch about nothing. Any conversation you have over the next 24 hours is guaranteed to include comments about the weather. Here's how you've reacted so far:

It's 5 degrees in New York City right now. To be clear: That is the temperature you're experiencing right now, divided by 10. Try again, John Nash.

Dev·a·station: 1. Great destruction or damage 2. Severe or overwhelming shock or grief. Your threshold for "devastation" seems a little low, friend. About 140 million Americans will contend with subzero temperatures today, which is at least 30 degrees below your absolute limit. Throw on some Uggs and SASHAY AWAY.

It's true that Miami people have no idea how to cope with the mildest of inclement weather. Right now they are caught in the throes of confusion. Prepare to see a lot of strange combinations today -- sandals with knee socks, leather jackets over tank tops. Like a toddler dressing himself for the first time.

Thank God someone is at least thinking of the children. How will they concentrate in their temperature-controlled classroom when there's a mild breeze outside?

Aaaaand thank you for reminding us to leave the house earlier than usual today. News you can use.

Send your story tips to the author, Allie Conti.

Follow Allie Conti on Twitter: @allie_conti

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

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