Miami Rainpocalypse 2012: It's Never Going to Stop Pouring

Between the front-page Miami Herald story, the endless meteorologists on the morning news and the Facebook and Twitter-choking freakout by basically everyone you know, you'd think hurricane season had officially arrived. Not quite. But it is going to rain for FOUR STRAIGHT DAYS in Miami.

It's the rainpocalypse! Will you and your family survive?!

OK, the system parked over South Florida isn't actually going to give the preppers among us a chance to test out their bunkers.

But you're not crazy in thinking this is a particularly insane storm for late April.

Already almost three inches of rain has fallen on Miami since 1 a.m. this morning, CNN Weather reports, and upwards of six inches might fall by the end of the day, shattering all kinds of records and causing Lissette Gonzalez's hair to burst into flames of excitement.

The "slow moving area of low pressure" will continue making Miami drivers more dangerous than Ozzie Guillen with a political metaphor until Thursday, the Herald reports.

That means South Beach will flood to Biblical proportions and I-95 is a snarled catastrophe this morning. If you're lucky enough to be dry and at your computer, here's what you're missing out on the highway at the moment (via Chris Cropper's Twitter):

One swimmer has already died after getting caught in a rip current last night.

Stay dry, Miami, stay off the highways and out of the ocean. And feel free to keep letting us know on Facebook that it's raining and it sucks and life is terrible, because we hadn't noticed.

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Tim Elfrink is a former investigative reporter and managing editor for Miami New Times. He has won the George Polk Award and was a finalist for the Goldsmith Prize for Investigative Reporting.
Contact: Tim Elfrink