The Miami Police Department should be on high alert tonight as a shadowy gangland character is reportedly coming to town. The MPD has been in well-publicized pursuit of the mysterious criminal-- often referred to as "The Jiggaman", or "Jigga" and pictured with his identical twin and three multi-racial underlings in the police sketch to the right-- for quite some time.
The wanted gangster, known for his eccentric tendency to wear two headbands, his unapologetic support of Wayne Chrebet, and his love of St. Tropez, is allegedly associated with the underworld search engine "Bada" Bing. Helmed by Bill "The Algorithm" Gates-- a reputed Seattle internetlord embroiled in a decades-long war with a North California technology cartel-- the search engine is commonly used for such web queries as "brass knuckles" and "black eyes how to give them".
By tracking shipments of cubed gruyere and suspect appletini ingredients, MPD gang unit detectives believe that "The Jiggaman" may show at the notorious South Beach den called the Delano sometime in the early evening. He is expected to lead a summit attended by capos of the Three Familes-- Media, Celebrity, and Hangers-On-- where he will announce the advent of a dangerous new intersection of culture, technology, and literature before ending by loudly exclaiming, "CAN YOU DIG IT?!" and then, for effect, probably shooting somebody.
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Miami Police sources tell Riptide they're not sure how the whole thing's going to work, really. But they fear that the announcement could spark an ugly publishing conflict resulting in terse, rapid-fire e-mails or even buyout packages along the foothills of Madison Avenue.
From intercepted correspondence between the gangland fugitive's publicist and a suspect journalist:
In addition to high-profile media placements around the world, all 300 pages of "DECODED" will be appearing in places and on objects that have never before been used as advertising. From pools and pool tables to bronze plaques and high-fashion clothing racks, a variety of unexpected surfaces will become the canvas for JAY-Z's art.
Nobody knows what it means.