The Miami Heat shot 37 percent from the field last night. They turned the ball over nine times in the fourth quarter. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook both shot over 50 percent. Dwyane Wade's performance was once again pure ass. Chris Bosh finished 3-for-12 from the field. LeBron James failed to score 30 points. Mario Chalmers was extra Mario Chalmersy.
So how the shit did Miami pull off the 91-85 Game 3 win? Who the crap knows.
WE'LL TAKE IT!
- Seriously. How the fuck did the Heat win this game?
- As it was with the rest of the Heat, LeBron James' jump shot was being a total dick all night. But luckily for us, LeBron remembered he's an unstoppable, immovable force when attacking the basket, and said, "Fuck it," and attacked and was extra-stabby with this Cobradick on his way to a 29-point, 14-rebound game. He did hit a big three pointer in the third quarter to help the Heat get their shit together against the second half OKC onslaught. And his free throw shooting abilities were once again needed at the end to seal the deal. When the Thunder took a ten point lead in the second half, LeBron continued to maul the basket, instead of going all HEROBALL on our asses and ruining Father's Day for everyone. His five-game streak of 30 or more points ended last night, but he still led all scorers. And the fact that he mashed the boards and grabbed 14 rebounds and got to the foul line eight times is even more evidence he has a gigantic titanium nutsack.
- Dwyane Wade finished the game 8-for-22. That's tapping your ballsack with the butt end of a screw driver shitty. His inconsistency is turning our collective sphincters into one gigantic clenched monkey fist. One moment, he's grace under pressure, slicing through the Thunder defense with elegant moves and nimble feet, finishing with a flourish, and either drawing the foul or flushing the ball down with authority. The next moment, he's taking appalling jump shots and generally playing basketball like he's experiencing a full-body dry heave. He started the first half 5-for-15 before getting things going in the second, and almost single-handedly cost the Heat the game at the end when he inexplicably played the point and OKC's Thabo Sefolosha picked his pocket for a four-point swing that brought the Thunder to within one when Miami should've been sealing the game. Of the nine fourth quarter Heat turnovers, four of them were on Wade. With the Heat a mere two wins away from the title, Wade still very much needs to get his game on track. He's capable of devastating the other team when he's playing like MV3. But his mental lapses and his inability to get his game on track makes me want to rip out my own asshole and throw it on the back of some guy's neck. For the Heat to win this thing, they need MV3 to be MV3. 8-for-22 is fucked up, man.
- Holy shit muffins Chris Bosh could not hit a shot last night. And his ball handling abilities of late have been very Joel Anthony-esque. However, where he lacked in offense, Bosh completely made up with his ability to swat away Kevin Durant jumpers and grab 11 rebounds. Bosh played big down low, which is what we need him to do seeing how the rest of our team is a pack of circus midgets compared to the Thunder. Bosh did get involved in scoring early, which helped set the tone for the Heat. He executed some pretty nifty pick-and-rolls with Wade, and it seemed to be something OKC couldn't defend until the Heat decided to defend it for them by not doing it anymore. Bosh left his jump shot in an Oklahoma City La Quinta, apparently. But if he gets it back (PLEASE GET IT BACK), then the Heat's offense can get back to pick-n-pop, attack the rim basketball, as opposed to just attacking the rim basketball.
- Mario Chalmers was a cat's ass last night. A cat's ass looks like an asterisk.
- For once, it would be fantastic to see Mario Chalmers have a string of back-to-back-to-back good-to-moderately decent games. But in his four year NBA career, that has happened zero times. Chalmers went 1-for-8 in Game 3. He recorded three assists. THREE ASSISTS. You have to really go out of your way to play like a cat's ass to be a point guard and record three goddamn assists for an entire basketball game. His lone highlight consisted of him fouling 348-year-old Derek Fisher at the three-point line, giving the Thunder four instant points. Chalmers usually does three or four shitty things a night, but last night was Chalmers being shitty all night. There was no moderation to his shittiness. Just a massive pile of shit. A hard shit. A hard shit falling on the ground and making the earth tremble like Thor's hammer. Like a family of bears showed up to the American Airlines Arena and took a shit at the same time. Just shit everywhere. Mario needs to stop it with the shit if Miami's going to get two more wins.
- Mike Miller is just the old garage we still like to work in from time to time. But there's a horde of bees in there now, and a family of owls, so it might not be the wisest idea to go there anymore. Still, Miller gave us all he got last night. He scored a couple of baskets and made some key defensive plays. And after every play, he clutched his lower back as he stumbled to the other side of the court. He finished the night with four points, going 2-for-2 from the foul line and making a nice put-back bucket off a Wade miss before he was taken off the floor in one of those helicopter harnesses the Coast Guard uses to rescue shipwreck victims.
- Shane Battier continues to pistol whip the Thunder unconscious with his ability to knock down three pointers with the fury of the Large Hedron Collider. It's pretty damn simple. Without Battier, the Heat are in a 0-3 hole in these NBA Finals.
- Kevin Durant went 2-for-6 in the fourth quarter and missed two free throws. But the HE'S NOT CLUTCH thing only applies to LeBron. So instead, the media will once again talk about how the refs are robots programmed to only give Miami the calls. Everyone everywhere can pick a number out of a hat, and based on that number, line up and wait for their dick sandwich on rye at the Publix deli.
- Udonis Haslem scored 6 points last night. That's a pretty big deal.
- James Harden (HOBO FLOP) finished 2-for-10. HOBO FLOP also missed all four of his three-point attempts. So where the Heat crapped the bed in jump shots, they made up for in defending the Thunder's most dangerous bench player.
- The Heat are two wins away from the title ... But let's all remember the immortal words of Mr. Wolf:
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SHOW ME HOW
- This OKC team won four straight against the supposedly unbeatable San Antonio Spurs in the Western Conference Finals. The two wins Miami has in these Finals have been when Durant has been in serious foul trouble. The Heat's offense is James, Battier, Bosh and poop. This thing is far from over. Tuesday night is HUGE.
Game 4 is Tuesday at the American Airlines Arena. Tipoff is at 9 p.m.