The NBA season is still a month away, but already Miami is bubbling with news about our back-to-back champion ballers. Michael Beasley has returned, hopefully minus the marijuana habit. Draft pick James Ennis is already king of the koalas. And you might soon be able to buy a jersey with "Jesus Shuttlesworth" on the back.
We here at New Times have taken the off-season to do some studying. We've trolled the Heat's Twitter accounts to bring you a player-by-player breakdown. Here are some nuggets of Heat wisdom, such as the fact that Shane Battier follows only nine people -- and one of them is his wife.
There's a reason the King is tops of the Twitterverse with nearly 10 million followers: Unlike many celebs, he actually tweets personal stuff, including snapshots from his honeymoon and homages to recently departed childhood friends.
Philosophical selfies and fashion experiments.
Chris Bosh. Two-time champion. Twitter's self-proclaimed "coolest dude alive." World traveler. And time-traveling velociraptor.
— Chris Bosh (@chrisbosh) July 11, 2013
Who the hell knows where this was taken? Only the Bosh.
U.D. clearly does not get Twitter. He has tweeted only 95 times, and they are all #boringasballs.
— Udonis Haslem (@ThisIsUD) September 18, 2013
For all his physical flair and ferociousness on the court, the Birdman is surprisingly lame on Twitter. But that might have something to do with the fact that he once almost went to jail over a bizarre internet hoax involving child pornography.
Has terrifying half-man, half-drawing Twitter avatars.
— Mario Chalmers (@mchalmers15) September 22, 2013
Battier is a strange fellow. He's a funny tweeter, claiming to spend most of his free time cooking food by sealing it in airtight bags (apparently it's called sous vide). But he also doesn't seem to give much of a crap about social media, as evidenced by the fact that he follows only nine people: his wife, his own charity, a one-a-day feed of Zen sayings, a few sports journalists, and some guy called the Real Mike Sab.
Weirder still is fellow sniper Ray Allen. The man who once played Jesus Shuttlesworth on the silver screen has not tweeted since May 29, 2010. He doesn't even have a photo. Are you OK, Ray?
Beasley may not even make the bench this year, so far has the former Heat #2 draft pick fallen due to his chronic off-the-court incidents. But in truth, his problems could have been predicted with a glance at his Twitter handle: easyst0.
Tweets about Ohio sports teams and Shark Week.
James Ennis (acquired from the Hawks on draft day 2013):
Ennis is playing in Australia for the Perth Wildcats, where he just won an award for the league's best player in preseason. When he's not tweeting selfies with enormous hats that say "NBA," he's tweeting pictures of him hugging koalas.
James Jones does not tweet because he's too busy appearing places on behalf of his teammates who have better things to do. Joel Anthony does not tweet because his fingers are the size of cell phones. And Rashard Lewis does not tweet because he's really, really into Facebook.
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