Miami Dolphins Sign Running Back Larry Johnson, Think It's 2005

​The Miami Dolphins signed ex-Chiefs running back Larry Johnson as they continue to bolster and tinker with their running back corps, which was probably the only spot on the roster that didn't entirely suck raccoon balls last year.

Johnson's best and only good seasons were 2005 and 2006, when he rushed for a combined 3,539 yards and 37 touchdowns.

After that, he went to the Redskins, where he rushed for two yards on five carries, and the Bengals, where he was equally shitty. He also has a long history of being a total dick with his coaches, teammates, and fans, and has been arrested several times for allegedly beating up women.

Instead of selecting a quarterback in this year's draft, the Dolphins took a running back, Daniel Thomas, with their second-round pick. Then, during the free-agency period, they signed another running back, Reggie Bush.

Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland loves to talk about "turning over every rock to collect acorns" to find football talent, even though he doesn't really need to turn over anything when talent is sometimes right in his face. The Dolphins went from Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown, whom he and Tony Sparano deemed "too old" and "too expensive," and instead are going with a rookie who has yet to show anything good, a walking-injury liability, and a guy who is the NFL equivalent of Lindsay Lohan.

The people who give me shit in the comments section for always being negative about the Dolphins are free to eat an entire bag of acorns.

I mean dicks.

An entire bag of dicks.

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