Miami Dolphins Pre-season: A Sloppy Win

​There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Brandon Marshall dropped two passes? We're doomed! Doomed I say!

It was a wet, sloppy, unbearably frustrating win for the Dolphins (seriously, the Marlins can't move to their new stadium and take their crappy infield with them soon enough). But instead of looking at the negative and what the team needs to do to improve based on one insignificant football game, we go with three things that won't happen instead. Because negativity is for dicks!

1. Brandon Marshall Won't Have a Bad Season: The two passes that came Marshall's way went right through his hands. Fans booed him when this happened. Actually booed. Afterwards, Marshall told everyone to relax. And he's right. The man is coming off three straight seasons where he caught 100-plus passes, and we're going to start booing him after two dropped balls in a preseason game? Really? What's more pressing here is that the Dolphins need to reconsider tearing off into the Practice Bubble like a cat that's been thrown into a bathtub filled with water anytime it starts to rain during practice. This is South Florida. It's going to rain. Learn to play in it. Also, while we fully expect Marshall to wreak havoc this season, it might not be a bad idea for him to switch jersey numbers. Number 19 is obviously cursed with the ghost of Ted Ginn's shittiness.

2. Chad Henne Won't Suck: Chad Henne played in four series and failed to move the offense beyond the 40-yard line. He finished the night 5-for-11 and a measly 19 yards passing. Tyler Thigpen finished 10-for-19, with 145 yards and led the team to both their scores. Chad Pennington, meanwhile, didn't see any playing time, but remains the Obstinate Dolphins Fan's choice to be this team's starter during their irrational rants on sports talk radio. "I demand this team starts Pennington immediately! Also, we should totally trade Kory Sheets to the Vikings for Adrian Peterson! I am the smartest man alive!" In his first year as a starter last season, Henne threw 12 touchdowns and 14 interceptions, ending the year with a 60.3 completion percentage (in contrast, Peyton Manning threw 26 TDs and 28 INTs and had a 56.7 completion percentage his first season). Henne enters this season with a full off-season of preparation and a bevy of talented wideouts, led by The Beast, to throw to with his laser-rocket arm. How can you go wrong when you have a laser-rocket arm and a dude nicknamed The Beast to throw to? You can't, really.

3. The Defense Won't Be Vanilla: Mike Nolan's defenses are known to be exotic, aggressive and in-your-face. And while we didn't see any of his wacky schemes in this game (presumably because the Fins are waiting for the regular season to unleash the ruckus), the D still managed to force four turnovers (three fumbles and an interception). Not bad for a team that's loaded with rookies and unknowns. It's going to have its ups and downs, to be sure. But from the looks of it, this defense is going to surprise some people. And not just because nobody is going to recognize the players. This defense's mantra for the year is Feed The Wolf. If Saturday was any indication, the wolf is going to gorge itself this season. Hopefully it'll take a nice bite out of Tom Brady's nards. Mmmm delicious nards.

The Dolphins visit the Jacksonville Jaguars this Saturday for their second pre-season matchup.

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