Now that we're firmly entrenched in another playoff season without the Miami Dolphins and the pain of Stephen Ross's absurd season-ending press conference on Monday has faded, it's the perfect time for a cold, hard, slightly inebriated look back at the 2012 season.
Ultimately, it was yet another disappointing year as the team finished 7-9 yet again. But there's some hope as we enter the offseason into free agency and the draft.
Unlike other South Florida mainstream sports media, we will not spend much more time here going over Ross' press conference the other day. We've already done that to some degree and I heard that poor writer was committed recently. There's no way to know what that CLEARLY INSANE BILLIONAIRE GARGOYLE is thinking with regards to the team by parsing a press conference that was altogether contradictory, rambling and delusional. Instead, let's hand out some awards and make some dick jokes deriding our perennial ineptitude and celebrating our (likely false) sense of hope going into 2013, shall we? LET'S HIT IT!
Best / Worst Moments of the 2012 Season
Best: The Dolphins came in to the Meadowlands and destroyed a dysfunctional Jets team 30-9, just before Hurricane Sandy swoops in to batter the East Coast. That was the Dolphins' third win in a row and times were good despite a scary Tannehill injury during the game.
Worst: (It's a Tie!)
(1) The Dolphins suffer their worst home loss since 1968 when they're crushed by a 3-6 Titans team, 37-3. At the time, the Dolphins were 4-5 and still firmly in the Wild Card playoff race. The loss reinforced the idea that the 2012 Dolphins were far and away from being a playoff team, both on the field and on the sidelines. An embarrassing loss to a bad team at home when we needed a win -- these are things "good teams" don't do.
(2) Despite being up in convincing fashion against a Jaguars team with Chad Fucking Henne at quarterback for crissakes, the Dolphins try an incredibly stupid, wonderfully hilarious and completely pointless fake FG that fails miserably. Easily the most Dolphins play of 2012.
Best / Worst Free Agent Signing or Draft Pick
Best: Hands down: picking Ryan Tannehill with the 8th overall pick of the 2012 draft. GET PUMPED!
Worst: Drafting Michael Egnew with one of the third round picks the Dolphins acquired from the Bears for Brandon Marshall. It was an abysmal pick, especially considering Egnew mostly worked out of the slot like a bigger WR-type at Missouri, he was yelled at constantly and nearly cried on Hard Knocks like some Kendall emo kid that listens to Korn and draws 'graphic novels' he never finishes and, worst of all, insiders have claimed that the guy is a straight up 'pussy'. A horrendous pick by Ireland that has just as many NFL catches as your Abuelita Cuco and particularly unforgiving considering the Colts chose an impact player like TY Hilton 14 picks later.
Most Embarrassing Incident
Asshole-gate. Jeff Ireland finds ways to nationally embarrass us again - on and off the field.
How Did Old Man Philbin Do?
Despite resembling a Scooby Doo villain, Philbin did fairly well in his first year -- somehow squeezing out seven wins despite having a white guy that resembles a chipmunk as your No. 1 WR and -6 NFL caliber cornerbacks. Hopefully in season two he'll tone down some of the nitpicky crap he exhibited at times during Hard Knocks and focus on finding ways to get some explosive plays downfield but HEY CAN YOU PICK UP THAT WRAPPER OFF THE FLOOR, COME ON JESUS!
Most Improved Player of 2012
Reshad Jones. This guy was all over the place -- making tackles on the second level, doling out big hits and hauling in four interceptions. Within the Funhouse of Shit that has been Jeff Ireland's draft record, Jones has stood out head-above-shoulders when he was drafted in the 5th round back in 2010. He always had the physical tools to become a very good strong safety in the NFL and this was the year that Reshad added the mental aspect to his game. Good shit.
Most Valuable Player of 2012
Brian Hartline. In a contract year, our little chipmunk face did very, very well for himself and will command some big dollars in the free agency market come March. Hartline hauled in 74 catches for 1,083 yards. Though his one TD all year was a bit underwhelming, the guy can play all three positions in a league where the 'Deceptively Fast, Scrappy White Receiver' commands some serious cheddar. I'm sure the TD situation will be rectified next year when the Patriots sign him to a contract and Tom Brady throws 78 TDs to him.
Pussyhammerer of 2012
Who else could it be but the guy who's ass closet makes Imelda Marcos' shoe collection look like that of a 19th-Century London beggar covered in soot and riddled with cholera? LaMontelle Pussyhammer, of course!
Most Promising Development in 2013
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
As with everything with this Godforsaken team, it's all about the quarterback. We can all remember being preeeeettaay excited about Chad Henne before he turned into Chad Fucking Henne. Tannehill had a nice rookie campaign and showed flashes of promise here and there -- even 'greatness' at times. The key in 2013 is to surround him with the talent to make him even better and to hope he develops even more in the offseason as a leader and in the film room. The kid's got athletic ability, moxie and skills -- it's up to him to put it all together and hope Jeff Ireland doesn't fuck up this incredibly important offseason. His career, literally, depends on it.
We're soooooo fucked.
Come back in March for our Free Agency preview. Go Dolphins.