: Cheating on your wife while working overseas for U.S. Customs and Border Protection.Worse idea
: Telling your new girlfriend you are a divorced, high-ranking diplomat, when in fact you are a married, low-ranking customs grunt.
: Forging diplomatic letters to wow your girlfriend and steal thousands of dollars' worth of her stuff.
A Miamian named Roger J. Kiley hit that trifecta of terrible plans all while ruining his career and -- presumably -- really pissing off his Irish mistress.
Kiley is now awaiting sentencing in federal court after pleading guilty in September to two felonies that should remind any wannabe Casanovas that imitating federal agents should not be among your bag of romantic tricks.
The 42-year-old's troubles began in March 2009 when he reported for duty in Dublin, Ireland -- with his wife and young son in tow -- as a supervisor in the U.S. Customs office. The next spring, Kiley began posting ads on online dating sites and soon met a woman identified in court documents as "C.C."
After dropping his first whopper -- that he was divorced -- Kiley just kept piling it on. He soon had C.C. believing not only that he was the "Customs attaché" at the embassy, but also that he could get the government to rent a house she owned for more than $115,000.
Kiley drafted fake documents about the deal and then forged another letter giving her permission to live in Miami with him. The woman was so convinced that she shipped boxes of her stuff to Kiley's Miami home.
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Alas, the scheme fell apart last October when the woman, confused why her rent had never showed up, went to the U.S. embassy herself. She quickly realized she'd been scammed.
Agents back in Miami interviewed Kiley in February. He claimed the woman was "unbalanced" and had made up the whole thing. But he couldn't explain the documents he'd repeatedly emailed her or the $2,500 worth of her stuff at his house.
Kiley, whose attorney, Tammy Forrest, declined to comment for this story, faces five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. His sentencing is set for December.