Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. In this special edition of his column, Luke explains the new security measures for Memorial Day Weekend on Miami Beach.
This is a public service announcement
to all the African American visitors coming to Miami Beach for
Memorial Day weekend. There are a few things you need to know when
you cross over the causeways to party in the city that doesn't really want
you there, but wants to take your money. Here are the new rules you will
have to abide by unless you want your black ass to end up in Dade
- You cannot walk the streets with an open container of booze. Typically, the city doesn't enforce public drinking laws, but we all know you black people can't handle your liquor. Dozens of police officers from multiple agencies will be enforcing a "zero tolerance" policy up and down Fifth Street, Ocean Drive and Collins and Washington avenues, so watch your back.
- Don't even think about coming to South Beach if you are faded, have an expired tag or a suspended driver's license, an outstanding bench warrant, or owe your baby momma child support. In addition to DUI checkpoints on the MacArthur Causeway on Friday and Saturday, the cops are also going to use license plate scanners to track just about every car coming from the mainland to snatch your ass.
- Forget about using the Venetian Causeway to dodge the police because it's off limits to black people who don't live on Miami Beach.
- Racial profiling is in full effect.
- Price gouging is legal. So don't complain when the valet charges you $100 to take your car, the nightclubs charge you $50 to get in and $1,000 for a bottle and a table, and the hotels make you pay $1,000 per night.
All these rules will be thrown out the window and everything will go back to normal once all the African-Americans have left Miami Beach on Monday. But, for those of you who haven't booked a room yet, you are better off partying in Miami, Fort Lauderdale or the Hard Rock Casino in Hollywood. Save yourself the hassle of going to Miami Beach and having your civil rights violated.
These measures are just a dog and pony show by the city's government to make the residents think they are doing something to crack down on the partying that goes on during Memorial Day Weekend. See, the city refuses to take ownership of Memorial Day Weekend with an organized event like the Essence Festival in New Orleans where you have a mix of hip-hop, R&B, and jazz. But the hotel and the nightclub owners don't want that because they need the reckless thugs who spend money without blinking and ruin it for the law-abiding visitors.
The city of Miami Beach wants to create a gangsta's paradise.
Follow Luke on Twitter @unclelukereal1.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.