Meet the 2013 Miami Marlins! A Position-By-Position Analysis of Baseball's Worst Lineup

Step right up, meet your 2013 Miami Marlins, same as the 2012 Miami Marlins -- only completely different! If you're anything like me, you're angry, you're hurt, and you may or may not say to yourself during a jog, "Hey, that's a good place to hide a body named Jeffrey Loria!" But hear me out, we gotta meet these new guys. The first step in recovery is acceptance.

By now most of us know what happened last season, but for those of you that just got back off a year-long cruise without power or something, here is a quick rundown. The Florida Marlins became the Miami Marlins. The city agreed to pay what after interest would have been enough money to buy the Yankees AND Red Sox to help build a space shippy stadium in Miami for the team. Pitbull. New expensive good-at-baseball players. Losses. More Pitbull. New cheap baseball players you've never heard of. Pitbull.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi