Step right up, meet your 2013 Miami Marlins, same as the 2012 Miami Marlins -- only completely different! If you're anything like me, you're angry, you're hurt, and you may or may not say to yourself during a jog, "Hey, that's a good place to hide a body named Jeffrey Loria!" But hear me out, we gotta meet these new guys. The first step in recovery is acceptance.
By now most of us know what happened last season, but for those of you that just got back off a year-long cruise without power or something, here is a quick rundown. The Florida Marlins became the Miami Marlins. The city agreed to pay what after interest would have been enough money to buy the Yankees AND Red Sox to help build a space shippy stadium in Miami for the team. Pitbull. New expensive good-at-baseball players. Losses. More Pitbull. New cheap baseball players you've never heard of. Pitbull.
That's where I come in! Weeeeeeeeee! Let's meet these fuckers! It's gonna be like a tour of Charlie's Chocolate Factory except the river of chocolate is ACTUAL SHIT, and the trees have dildos for everyone to pick, not candy! Fuck my face!
Let's now take a gander at the projected batting order, shall we? Everyone have a bottle of their favorite whiskey and YouPorn minimized in a separate window to make yourself feel better afterward? Good, let's do this.
Batting Leadoff: Juan Pierre
You probably remember Juan from the 2003 Championship Marlins roster. You may also remember that that was the year "Finding Nemo" came out, or maybe this was the year your 10-year-old child was born -- ahhhh, memories. This is the equivalent to the Miami Dolphins being all, "Hey, Jay Fiedler is back! Also, have you guys heard that new Chingy song?!" Goy.
Batting 2nd: Donovan Solano
You may remember Solano from last season's world-beating Miami Marlins. No? Alrighty then. Solano was actually not bad last season, hitting .295 in 285 at bats with the big team, however he had just two home runs and 28 RBI's -- so let's just say his at-bats are a fine time to get yourself that Pepsi refill. The hope seems to be that Juan Pierre gets on base and then Solano moves him over because he is a decent contact hitter. My hope is that Kate Upton for some reason likes Miami New Times writers that eat Doritos for breakfast -- so hey, we all got our fingers crossed!
Batting Third: Giancarlo Stanton
Now we're talking. Talk about a tall glass of water, huh ladies? Monster. Dongs. The hitter formerly known as Michael comes to the plate looking to fuck, your ass, hard. Sadly, in this lineup Stanton will have less protection than a dude banging a stripper in the back of the club with a Publix bag over his cock. This position is not the problem, though. I repeat, this is the good, savor the flavor before he's a Baltimore Oriole or some shit spot in the lineup. I wonder what he looks like naked. Shit, that last sentence was supposed to be only in my head.
Batting CLEANUP : Placido Polanco
This is a thing that is not OK: 37-year-old Placido Polanco batting cleanup. Polanco has a career 103 home runs in FIFTEEN YEARS. I remember thinking, "You know, Polanco would be a nice pickup for the Marlins," but sadly this was around the same time I was also thinking, "I wonder if Mystikal could one day be the greatest rapper to ever live" and "I can't believe Dan Marino retired yesterday." To say Polanco is past his prime is to say Jodi Arias might have a crazy stabby side. Knock em' home, PP!
Batting Fifth: Rob Brantly
Catcher Rob Brantly came to the Marlins in the Anibal Sanchez/Omar Infante/Our Fucking Season Is Over trade last season, and dude brought some praise along with him. So far I know this much about him: He loves Jesus and he loves his body, so he should fit in well playing for the Devil himself, Jeffrey Loria. If the kid bats above .180, it's an improvement over John Buck, so looking at it that way doesn't suck. He batted .290 in 100 abs last season with the club, so he's one of the guys to watch if the 2019 Marlins are your thing.
Batting Sixth: Justin Ruggiano
He's not "Justin-other-guy" anymore, huh? Huh!? Last season the Marlins picked up Ruggiano and he proceeded to stick his wooden bat up pitchers asses with a note that read, "I'm sick of moving my family, Ruggiano ain't taking no more shit!" Justin hit .313 with 13 homers and 36 RBIs and holy shit, it seemed like he was better than that last year, why did I think he was better than that? As long as Ruggiano can continue to hit like Derek Jeter in the playoffs, the Marlins should be solid here.
Batting Seventh: Casey Kotchman
Oh, fuck you Marlins! Kotchman now joins his eighth team in what will be his ninth sparkling season of MLB. Once thought of as a promising prospect, Kotchman is now thought of as Casey Kotchman. He's from St.Petersburg, Florida, so maybe he knows your grandma or something -- if you are looking for a reason to not wanna punch yourself in the cock right now. He hit .229 in 463 abs last year for the Indians. Let's just all pause a moment to look at the picture up above: That's your first baseman. Logan Morrison and his legless body should be healthy by Christmas, though in the mean time BEST TWITTER EVER?! Ummmm, yeaaaaaaaaahh?! Be right back, I'm gonna go lay in the road and hope someone drives a lawnmower over my Kotchman and balls.
Batting Eighth: Adeiny Hechavarria
His last name might sound like a disease you may catch in the Amazon because of mosquito bites, but rumor is DUDE IS SICK WIT IT. Adeiny was one of the prized pieces coming back to the Marlins in the Blue Jays trade, EAT IT BLUE JAYS YOU GOT TOOK! He's Cuban, which always results in Marlins front office pre-cum pajama parties. He resembles Hanley Ramirez and plays shortstop, so it's like a do-over, only this time less cocktease! Hechavarria seems to be one of the few things you can get excited for this season, so remember the name -- or copy and paste like I did.
Opening Day Starter: Ricky Nolasco?
It's never a good thing when your Opening Day pitcher is only your Opening Day pitcher because even the freaking Marlins can't trade him. Nolasco wanted out of Miami, as players that enjoy life do, but the Marlins had no takers. Nolasco went 12-13 with a 4.48 ERA last season, which falls in line with his career 4.49 ERA, which falls in line with the Marlins finishing in last place again if this is the best hurler they got this season. On this year's Marlins squad, if you are a holdover it's either because you are cheap (Ruggiano), cheap and awesome (Stanton), cheap, maybe awesome and young (HechaCubanshortstopguyvia), or Ricky Nolasco. Guess which one he is?
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
New Future Ex-Manager: Mike Redmond
The Ex-Marlins backup catcher returns to the City of Miami because the City of Miami needed a hero, and Mike Redmond fit the bill. Chances are Redmond won't stir the pot like Ozzie Guillen did, saying something like, "You know, Loria is just misunderstood, like that Hitler guy!" Redmond is gonna want to REDRUM himself after about 100 games of this team, and if he doesn't -- he did a good job. Good luck, Mr.Redmond, you'lllllllll need it!
So that's your projected Miami Marlins starting lineup. The more you know, right? Not everyone log onto Groupon all at once trying to take advantage of the Buy Opening Night get Bark at the Park night free promotion -- tickets will surely be available for literally pennies in no time. GO MARLINS!
The Miami Marlins open the season on Monday at the Washington Nationals at 1:05 p.m. Their home opener is Monday, April 8, at 7:10 p.m. versus the Atlanta Braves.