Magic City Kitty - Yo! MCK Raps "Kobe, How Does My Ass Taste?"

I'm not sure if Shaq Fu's ass smells like ass or IcyHot but this weekend, O’Neal grabbed the mic and hit the audience of a New York Club with a freestyle and chorus that commanded, “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes.” Ever the MC, Shaq also commented on Patrick Ewing’s lack of a championship ring – zing. He said that he’s "the difference between first and last place" - and peeping at the Heat’s season, double z’s. But the juiciest part of his lil’ rhyme was this:

"I'm a horse. Kobe ratted me out. That's why I'm getting divorced. He said Shaq gave a mil. I don't do that 'cause my name's Shaquille. I love 'em, I don't leave 'em. I got a vasectomy, now I can't breed 'em."

Besides the fact that not even Lil’ Wayne could come up with heat like “I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ‘em” (wink), this rhyme seems like a true crime of passion. People in the audience say that O’Neal was laughing and smiling throughout his performance, and anyone who knows him can testify to his raucous sense of humor, but this hit on Kobe is a wee bit more than good-natured teasing between friends. You see, while embroiled in that rape scandal 4 years ago, Bryant made a comment about Shaq paying off his mistresses. Some (me included) say that Kobe was a beeyotch for even putting Shaq’s name into the fray, and judging from this recent flow, the big man still agrees. PR-wise, Shaq needs no press, so while a rap about going to practice or washing his balls wouldn’t have made as many headlines, he sure could have gone that route. But G.D. Shaq! I understand that you were minding your business, smashing off groupies/playing with your kids when Bryant threw you under the bus, but why is Kobe beef still on your menu? And the worst part? Word on South Beach is that Kobe’s announcement/evidence of his bitchassness/Shaq’s trickin’ off wasn’t all false. Kobe may have told ESPN, but I’m thinking that Miss Shaunie didn’t need Stuart Scott to tell her about her man’s extracurricular activities. But Shaq, you’re a pioneer and your personal fouls will teach future MVP’ers and Hall of Famers to keep stories of their conquests out of the locker room. Unless they want it splashed all across the evening news.

But mama don’t preach, because I’m on Team Shaq. And as the great Nasir Jones said, “Shaq’s my man, fuck Kobe.” So now, Kobe, tell me how MY ass tastes.

Update: Shaq has apparently taken up cycling since he moved to Arizona, because now he’s backpedaling on the meaning of those ferosh lyrics.

"Everyone that knows Shaq knows two things about me: One, that I'm a rapper, and two, that I'm a comedian. When I played with Kobe, me, him, Brian Shaw, J.R. Rider, we had freestyle sessions all the time. ... all in fun and we said crazier stuff than that. If I hurt anyone's feelings, I apologize."

Damn. But, I still want to know how his ass tastes, Kobe.

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Raina McLeod
Contact: Raina McLeod