Magic City Kitty - How do I Handcuff This P.Y.T.?

Hello, Kitty

I’ve been kind of dating my high school sweetheart for a few weeks, well, me and 3 other guys - and those are just the ones that I know about. Our issue is that she’s a little younger than me and has never been in a serious relationship while I have two kids with my wife of six years. I’m currently separated and definitely on the road to divorce, but I am seriously considering a serious relationship with the new/old girl. Over the years, I’ve really never stopped loving her and halfway enjoyed the fact that she was always calling me to rescue her from one of her domestic issues. Sometimes I would bail her out and some times I would steer clear of her drama, but overall I was there for her. Now that we’re semi-dating, our relationship is so-so, she’s always out on the town and sometimes I feel like everything I do either annoys or disgusts her. Either we’re arguing or I don’t know where the hell she is. But I love her, so should I wait until she gets a little older to see if she’ll change for the better and lose some of the baggage or should I just cut this girl off now?

Reddy Taseddle

Hi Reddy,

Pressure cooker. Pressure cooker. Pressure cooker, that’s what you’re being to this girl right now. You’re just getting out of a super-serious relationship and already you’re trying to get Miss Sex in the City to trade in her fuck-me pumps for a pair of your wife’s run-down house shoes? I think it’s really funny that you think she needs to “lose some of the baggage,” but with your pending divorce and two rugrats you’re coming at her with more luggage than Louis Vuitton. Sweet. I’m sure she is reeeally excited about all you’re bringing to the table. You say that it seems like every breath you take annoys or disgusts her, and you’re probably right - your commitment-happy ass probably represents everything that this chick is running from as she bounces from man to man. Reddy, the past “domestic issues” you mentioned make me think that this girl either looves the drama or that she’s a little clumsy in the relationship department. Either way, I think a little backing off (by you) would be an amazing idea.

A scholar once said that pressure either busts pipes or makes diamonds, and since I’ve never laid eyes on an annoyed or disgusted diamond I think this girl is about to burst. You seem to be putting unfair stress on her to become your new family, and I’m thinking that if this were what she wanted from you she would go ahead and settle down with you. I can’t be sure, but the arguments are probably her excuse to leave your presence, allowing her to duck off with the next man, which leads to you not knowing “where the hell she is.” Babe, I (usually) hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is where I have to be brutally honest with you and inform you that you’re nothing more than a member of this girl’s “team.” Reddy, I don’t know whether you look good, fuck good, can fight, change a tire, fix her laptop, do her taxes, or are friendly with your credit card, but chances are that you’re just one of many men who fit comfortably into her lifestyle. Since you say that she would call you when she needed to be rescued, I’m thinking that your role is Captain Sav-a-Ho. You’re the go-to guy when she needs help, and apparently you’ve been pinning on your medals and swooping down to save her for years. But since you pick and choose which dramas you help her to escape from, you’re really a fake ass version of the kind of guy every single gal needs in her life. So what you should do – for her sake and yours – is step the fuck aside. You’re breaking all the rules: there’s no “I” in “team,” stay in your lane, know your role, all that. Step off.

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