Magic City Kitty - Can A Guy Get Some Leather & Lace?

Hello, Kitty

How do I coax my wife back into wearing some sexy lingerie? She used to wow me every time she undressed, but ever since we (she) had our daughter all I see is granny panties, and even worse, sometimes my boxers. I thought it was a phase that she was going through with the new baby and all, but my daughter is 3 and still, nothing. She’s around 30 pounds heavier than when we met and I can tell that this bothers her, but it’s not the weight that bothers me – it’s what’s wrapped around the weight. I’ve tried dropping hints, buying her stuff, and steering her towards Victoria’s Secret when we’re in the mall – no dice. I’m not saying that I don’t love her anymore, just that I would love to see my wife in something sexy again – and so would my penis.

Prayin Forabra

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Well Mr. Forabra, you and your penis should have thought about wanting to see sexy panties and bras before you knocked your wife up. All you have to do is watch a little Oprah to know that women have a lot to deal with after the birth of a child, and lingerie isn’t anywhere near the top of that looong list. Between the changes in her body and the changes in her lifestyle, unless a woman has a team of stylists and a round-the-clock nanny, it can be hard for her to take things back to the way they were before a human being slid down her birth canal. Studies (Oprahhhh) have shown that some just aren’t as interested in being or act sexy immediately after a baby enters the relationship. Could be that the pressure of being responsible for a life makes one think about what’s actually important. Maybe your wife’s granny panties are her subtle way of saying, “leave me alone while I try to keep my daughter off the pole.” Or maybe she’s thinking that all your hankypanky is what got her into a diaper-changing, 3-in-the-morning-feeding, mommy-I’m-sleepy mess in the first place. But you didn’t ask me all of that, did you? Eh. Well before I get to your “dilemma”, let me ask you something: Have you lost your baby weight yet? And do you throw on a leopard g-string when it comes time to get down with the get down? Yeah, get back to me on that.

To answer your question, the best way to wrangle wifey back into lingerie, two words: gift certificate. I know, I know – this means one less trip to the undies store for you, but tough shit Mr. Forabra. This shopping trip is about your wife, and with a gift certificate she can get whatever she wants without you on her back picking out every glittery pasty and crotchless panty you see. And since she may take one of those American Express ones and buy herself a one-way plane ticket away from your ass, make it easy on yourself and get her one for my favorite tittie-tether purveyor {intimacy}. You’re an asshole so I’m sure that you think that lingerie’s only purpose is to get your dick hard, but dammit your wife can’t (and won’t) bring the sexy back if she isn’t comfortable. The girls at {intimacy} will bend her over, tuck her cha-chas into something that’s chic and fits perfectly, slap her on the ass and send her on her way. Ok so maybe there won’t be any ass slapping, but there may be some squeezing, poking and even some giggling but definitely a whooole lot of intimacy. Bottom line, the store is full of sexy stuff in a wide range of sizes, so your wife will definitely find something she likes. If you’re lucky, the Bra Whisperer herself, Susan Nethero will be in the house and she’ll coax your wife’s puppies into sitting, laying and heeling at her command. Woof.

Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.

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