Registered sex offender Luis Guillermo Alicea was charged with burglary and criminal mischief after going full Grand Theft Auto on a Jacksonville neighborhood this week.
Alicea, 38, broke the little known law that states you can't go tits-on-a-duck crazy, running up and down a neighborhood street going to town on everything with a machete while screaming "Kill me, I want to die!"
Witnesses, no doubt needing a change of underwear the moment they get home, told police Alicea smashed one home's window out, the bashed out a car window. Oh but wait, Alicea was just getting started. He followed by running down the lawn into the neighbors yard and smashing their windows in, before trying to break into a third house.
Alicea gained entry into the third home by smashing a side window, and proceeded to dive, like Indiana Jones in the Temple of Doom, right through it. Alicea then ran directly upstairs to the bathroom and pulled the toilet right off the place where a toilet is not supposed to be pulled off of, flooding the entire house. He continued to go Lil' Jon on the crib with his machete, bashing everything from the windows to the walls.
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After seeming to realize what he had done, Alicea proceeded to hide his machete in the home's closet, totally covering up everything he had done other than the fact that he was standing in a house that looked like the Kool-Aid Man and the tiger from "The Hangover" had gotten into a drunken brawl. Alicea then broke a final window, and fell two stories to the ground, witnesses said.
Police estimate Alicea, whom they found foaming at the mouth saying "Kill me", did $22,350 in damage. He was taken to Shands Jacksonville Hospital for cuts on his hands and legs.