Let's Talk Free Agents: Offense

Continuing our free agent talk from yesterday, we now turn to the offense:

Offensive Line

The Dolphins released LJ Shelton and Anthony Alabi this week. Which means they're definitely in the market for some beef. Some have said this makes it a sure thing that Parcells will draft Jake Long. Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet on that one. I don't see Tuna pinning his hopes and John Beck's life on a rookie O-lineman. The OL free agent class is fairly deep, so I expect the Fins to dive in. Here are the best in my book:

1. (OT) Flozell Adams, Cowboys: The best all around tackle in this FA class. And, he's a Cowboy! Which is always a great sign for us. Get on the phone, Sparano!

2. (OG) Alan Faneca, Steelers: He's a hulk of a man. He's also been disgruntled with the Steelers since the beginning of last season. Faneca mad! Faneca smash!

3. (OG) Ryan Lilja, Colts: 26 year-old journeyman had a breakout season last year in Indy.

4. (OT) Sean Locklear, Seahawks: He's had ankle issues and was suspended one game in 2006 for allegedly hitting his girlfriend. Not the kind of guy Sparano would want down here, I'd imagine.

5. (OT) Jordan Gross, Panthers: A great player who'd be much higher in my rankings but the Panthers plan on franchising him. Fuck them.


The deal with this quarterback FA class is that, well, it sucks. You know it sucks when names like Daunte Culpepper and Cleo Lemon appear as some teams' top QB offseason targets. But we need a QB or two for depth. So here are my favorites:

1. Chris Redman, Falcons: Yea, that's right. Chris Redman. I like Chris Redman. So fuck you. He's better than lettuce-for-brains Trent Green and shit-for-brains Cleo Lemon. Redman is the classic backup quarterback and is rock-solid when called to fill in (just like my penis! zing!!). Besides, I want John Beck to start next season. So Redman would be here strictly as the No. 2. And yes, I think he's the best FA QB option out there. Disagree? Eat a big bowl of dicks then, why don't ya.

2. Billy Volek, Chargers: Made his name during the post-season, leading the Bolts over the Colts in the AFC Divisional matchup. Still, he's Billy Volek. Which would mean we'd be one John Beck injury away from.... Billy Volek.

3. Rex Grossman, Bears: His career completion percentage is slightly lower than Redman's. Besides, he sucks. I mean, really sucks. And I guarantee you if he came down here, he'd be lambasted from day one by the radio/message board jackals. And no one wants that.

4. Josh McCown, Raiders: Holy shit. Bring McCown down here and we'd hold the record for most consecutive games without a QB uttering a single profanity. Still, with Beck and McCown on our team, that would probably mean the Dolphins would become God's Team. And that sure as shit beats them becoming America's Team. Fuck the stats, let's sign this guy. While we're at it, let's trade for Jon Kitna. Jesus approves!

Wide Receivers

1. Randy Moss, Patriots: How great would it be to have Straight Cash Homie on our side? Yea, it ain't happenin. If he leaves NE he's going to want boo-koo money. Anyway, I hope the Pats franchise him so he can get all pissed off and throw a classic Randy hissy-fit. That would be fantastic.

2. Bryant Johnson, Cardinals: He's the guy everyone grabs for their fantasy team whenever Fitzgerald or Boldin go down with an injury. I know I do. And my fantasy prowess makes me qualified to say Johnson is a great receiver. I would LOVE to see Bryant in aqua and orange. Wouldn't you?

3. Andre Davis, Texans: Solid number two guy who could really take pressure off Ted Ginn.

4. DJ Hackett, Seahawks: This guy would be the absolute balls if he could just stay healthy. Still, I wouldn't mind taking a chance on him.

Tight Ends

The TE class leaves a lot to be desired. Yet as craptastic as the group of available FA is, it would be a monumental upgrade to No Face. Hell, my trogloditic half-brother would be an upgrade. We keep him in the basement. His name is Mongo.

1. LJ Smith, Eagles: He's the only TE worth looking at. Great hands, good speed, solid blocker. And, oh yea, he's been franchised. Shitbombs.

2. Eric Johnson, Saints: If you like your tight ends brittle as an 83 year old woman with osteoporosis, then EJ is your man!

3. Ben Troupe, Titans: He's half-way decent. And, as mentioned above, would be a huge upgrade to David Martin.

4. Seriously, that's it for the TEs. Just those three guys are worth spending money on.

-- Chris Joseph

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Tovin Lapan