LeBron Scored His 4,000th Playoff Point, Called Ray Allen "Jesus" While Miked

That's how it's done, son. The Miami Heat opened its semifinals matchup against the Brooklyn Nets with an emphatic buzz-saw-like 107-96 win. Longtime Heat nemesis Kevin Garnett went 0-2 and was scoreless for the first time in 139 career playoff games. Paul Pierce had eight points. (Dramatic pause for laughter.)

The Nets were so crap, in fact, that the only two reasons to watch this game-one beatdown both came from LeBron James, who drained his 4,000th career playoff point and entertainingly wore a mike for TNT.

The most important news we learned from LeBron's microphone experiment came during a timeout, when he pronounced "Jesus" in its full Miami glory:

Most of the talk leading up to last night's game centered on the fact that the Nets swept the season series against the Heat 4-0 this season. Most of the talk following the game was how hilarious it was that at one time, people thought the regular season mattered. The Heat has been prepping for this time of year all season, and it showed last night.

The Heat was rarely in danger of dropping its first game of the playoffs Tuesday night, and basically put the game to bed with a classic flying-death-machine 24-9 run in the third quarter that ended in a LeBron James "turn down for what" moment.

When LeBron topped the 4,000-playoff-points mark, he became the youngest player to do so. Only three players in the history of the NBA have totaled 4,000 points, 900 rebounds, and 900 assists in the playoffs: Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, and now LeBron James.

He's not 30 yet. He's probably gonna beat the high score unless someone hits the power button.

The series continues Thursday night with game two in Miami.

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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.