LeBron James Scores 17 in the Final Five Minutes To Lead Win Over Nets

Up until the last 50 seconds of last night's 101-98 win over the New Jersey Nets, the Miami Heat were flat out refusing to give a single fuck. Oh they had fucks. Had them stored away somewhere. Perhaps in a box inside a FedEx truck marked "playoffs." But they just weren't going to be giving any away. Not in New Jersey, anyway.

Miami never led in the game, coming out of the gate like a wet fart and pretty much never getting into any kind of rhythm. And then, at the end, LeBron James decided he would, in fact, like another league MVP trophy. Yes. He'd like another one of those very much indeed.

Both teams had missing stars, with the Nets sitting Derron Williams and the Heat resting Dwyane Wade and a bunch of other guys who probably would score the same amount of points in their suits as they would in their uniforms.

As meaningless as this game was in the big picture department, it was still very much anger inducing at times. Kris Humphries shredded a lethargic Heat defense all night long. The Big Chai Latte threw down 29 points and grabbed 8 rebounds. This was due mostly to Chris Bosh's lousy defense. But where Bosh shat his pants in D, he made up for with his O, scoring 22 points and grabbing 15 rebounds, making it the second consecutive game where he hit the boards like the boards were making "Yo momma so fat" jokes at him.

The Heat were able to tie the game midway through the third, but the Nets would pull away with timely jumpers and easy drives to the basket. At one point, New Jersey led by as many as 13.

And with LeBron on the bench in the fourth, and the Heat down by seven late in the game, things were looking pretty damn bleak for Miami. But why let your team die a slow miserable death at the hands of a team from New Jersey when you have an arsenal of total fucking spleen-smashing badassery sitting there waiting to unleash awesome on everyone's faces? So Erik Spoelstra went all Doc Brown and figured, "what the fuck," and sent LeBron back into the game.

And, with just 4:48 remaining, LeBron proceeded to unleash the Cobra Dick and ruthlessly destroyed the Nets defense with impunity, scoring the game's final 17 points in a one-man obliterating spree that ended with people running into the streets screaming "anarchy!," tires set on fire by the roadside, fire hydrants exploding for no good reason, the townsfolk calling the National Guard, the Pope administering the final rights to the entire area of Newark, and LeBron pointing at his testicles and exclaiming "These nuts!" in mandarin Chinese.

LeBron so turned things upside down that the New Jersey crowd began an MVP chant whenever he went to the foul line. That's Rocky Balboa in Russia motherfuckerness right there.

After the game, LeBron introduced Heat point guard Norris Cole to Jay-Z, who was sitting courtside with wife Beyonce. That's pretty much the most amazing thing ever written.

Afterward, Nets coach Avery Johnson was a disheveled, broken man.

"The guy's just so big and strong," he told the media during the postgame presser. "We attempted to double-team him twice, and he just overpowered our guys, and then when the third defender came, he beat the third defender. And then, when we fouled him, he still scored. So just, you know. I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say."

Seventeen points in the final five minutes of the game to carry his team to victory. Everyone who ever calls LeBron a choker or non-clutch can help themselves to some dick soup.

The Heat host the Toronto Raptors Wednesday night at the Triple-A. Tipoff is at 7:30. Perhaps LeBron will introduce Ronny Turiaf to the members of Rush in this one!

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Chris Joseph