This might be the first you've heard of it, but apparently LeBron James used to play for the Cleveland Cavaliers. And over the summer, after his seven-year contract with the Cavaliers expired, he decided to go play for the Miami Heat with his good friends Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.
The city of Cleveland took it all in stride. And by "in stride," we mean they totally lost their shit and have not quite gotten over it yet. And tonight, LeBron heads back to Cleveland where the Cavs will host the Heat in what has now become the most over-hyped professional basketball game to be played in the month of December in the history of everything.
Still, the hysteria surrounding the game is real. So real, in fact, that the league is putting together unprecedented security measures just for this game. So tonight should be fun. Unless a riot breaks out, because boo riots! Either way, you can expect the crowd to reach Thunderdome levels for the entirety of the game.
In the meantime, Cavs fans have been using creativity and entrepreneurship to express their rage by selling T-shirts with the words "LeQuitter" and "Queen James" on them. Cleveland area bar, Barley House, held an anti-LeBron rally last night where they roasted a pig with James' old number 23 on it, and sold 23-cent beers to anyone who brought in LeBron James paraphernalia. The bar said they plan to send the items to the Heat.
"You can have Queen James," a promotional flier for the LeBron-paraphernalia-for-beer said. Zing!
The Glenn Close-like behavior is also (still!) being expressed by Cavaliers team owner Dan Gilbert, who famously penned an open letter attacking LeBron hours after he announced his intention of signing with Miami. The letter went viral mostly because it was hard to take Gilbert's jaded-lover message seriously since it was written in bright red comic sans font.
But Gilbert has now crossed the line from "slightly misguided sympathetic figure" to "holy shit bananas that dude needs to get over it already!" status.
According to Yahoo! Sports, Gilbert is pouring "hundreds of thousands of dollars" into a powerful law firm to investigate whether or not the Heat broke NBA tampering rules while perusing James.
...Dan Gilbert has privately vowed he won't relent until he has a thick binder of findings to drop on the desk of the NBA commissioner.
At this point, we're pretty sure Dan Gilbert is nuts. And it wouldn't surprise us in the least if that thick binder he drops on the commissioner's desk is filled with pasted photographs of LeBron with crudely drawn dongs next to his mouth, and the words, "LEBRON JAMES STOLE MY PANTS!!!" written over and over on every page. In comic sans font, of course.
You can catch all the crazy on TNT tonight. Tipoff is at 8.
Video courtesy of Hardwood Paroxysm
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.