Audio By Carbonatix
Hey there, LeBron, why are you riding your bicycle around Opa-Locka? What’s that, you’re lost and disoriented? Well, fold this handy primer into your pocket and South Florida will seem just like home, you’ll see!
“Cleveland rocks”: “I’m in Miami Bitch”
Polish: Cuban
Pasty whiteness: Orange luminescence
Love handles: Liposuction
Great Lakes six pack: Cocaine eight-ball
Home invasions: Ponzi schemes
Burning river: Oil spill
East Fourth: Calle Ocho
Sokolowski’s University Inn: Versailles Cafe
Pierogi: Empanada
Drew Carey: Gloria Estefan
Chicago: Havana
Empty factories: Empty condos
Crippling unemployment: Crippling unemployment
Depression: Delusion
Homers: Snowbirds
Moving to New York to succeed: Moving from New York to die
Corn hole: Bocce
Bone Thugs N’ Harmony: 2 Live Crew
Jim Brown: Don Shula
“The Q”: Uh, “Triple-A”?
Unconditional love with a side of unhealthy obsession: Extreme expectations with a side of apathy
Art Modell LeBron James: Fidel Castro
