When it comes to Christmas, I just want to open some presents, eat some ham, and pass out early after drinking copious amounts of eggnog. I do not want to see people I love fighting -- and that includes basketball players who used to play together for my favorite team forced to face off against each other on national television in what will certainly be a highly publicized spectacle on the day of the birth of our lord Jesus Christ.
But unfortunately, the NBA and ABC are pure evil. They want to ruin your holiday. They want to schedule LeBron's inevitable return to American Airlines Arena on Christmas Day.
The scheduling isn't finalized yet, but according to the Miami Herald's Barry Jackson, ABC really, really wants to the NBA to save the Cleveland Cavaliers visit to Miami since LeBron James jumped ship on Christmas.
The LeBron-led Cavs and the Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh-led Heat will indeed end up having to play three times during the regular season, and almost certainly they'll be some of the most watched and publicized games of the regular season. ABC has turned Christmas Day into its marquee day to feature NBA regular season games. So, yes, it certainly makes sense that it would want that particular game for Christmas.
And yet, it's just all so wrong. We're all gonna need a solid day to prepare for the sight of LeBron walking into the AAA in an opposing uniform. How are we supposed to do that when we're also avoiding our grandma's inappropriately probing questions about our love lives? Why are they sticking us with so much added stress?
This is seriously worse than that time your Aunt Sally and Uncle Jerry got divorced, and Uncle Jerry went to go live in a studio apartment called the Cleveland Towers in a shady part of town. So your mom says something like, "I know Sally is my sister, but we can't just let Jerry sit alone on Christmas. I mean, he was part of the family for so long. I'm sure we can all get along for just one meal. It's what Jesus would want us to do. I'm going to invite him."
And you're like, "Mom, no! That's a horrible idea! We all just wanna chill out and get drunk. No one needs that tension."
But your mother won't be stopped, "I texted Sally. She said it's fine. She said her tennis instructor also was going to be alone on Christmas. So I said 'bring him too.' It's Christmas! Everyone can love each other!"
"Her tennis instructor? Really, Mom?" you reply. "Do you even know why Sally and Jerry got divorced in the first place?"
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And your mom just looks at you with the most twisted smile you've ever seen on her face and says to you in a voice tinged with more menace than any Kevin Spacey character, "Oh, I know exactly why they got divorced. Just like that time Sally knew exactly what she was doing with my junior prom date in the back of her Honda Civic. Unlike my Christmas yams, son, revenge is a dish best served cold."
She takes the knife she was using to peel the yams and violently stabs it through the one remaining unpeeled yam and walks out of the room. Etched into the skin of the yam is the name Sally.
That's exactly the level of awkwardness the NBA is setting us up for here in Miami, and frankly that level of drama should be saved for Thanksgiving.