Miami has the Dolphins, the
greatest most frustrating football team. A week after getting a plethora of good-job-smiley-faces on their Patriots test, the Dolphins came out and bombed their follow-up Buffalo Bills exam 29-10 like they had been out the night before playing Fireball shots flip-cup.
Even worse, the team's best player in week one -- running back Knowshon Moreno -- left the game when his elbow did all kinds of things that the human elbow shouldn't be able to do.
It only took the Dolphins two weeks to remind their fans that trusting them is like convincing yourself that if you re-watch the last two season of Lost, they won't suck this time.
The Dolphins walked into the quintessential Buffalo Bills perfect storm, Sunday. Between Jim Kelly hyping up the crowd in his return after beating cancer, the news that the team will be staying in Buffalo, and their recently passed owners name being induced in their ring-of-honor; it was like a scene out of Braveheart, except instead of Mel Gibson looking guys with painted faces screaming, it was fat Buffalo chicks and mechanic looking bros.
Everything went poorly for the Dolphins, Sunday. Offense, defense, special teams, coaching, the Gatorade guy brought blue instead of orange, everything sucked. It sucked early, it sucked late, it sucked in-between. Picture one of those expensive sushi-boats, now imagine all the sushi rolls on said miniature-sushi-boat sucked, and that was the Dolphins trip to Buffalo.
Early suck recap: Moreno dislocated his elbow, might be out a month.:
This is why Knowshon Moreno is out for the game. Elbow is bent in the wrong direction pic.twitter.com/olSpNaJg2v
— Adam Kuperstein (@AKuperstein) September 14, 2014
Didn't need that! Moreno came in as the most-not-Dolphins-player-ever so right away the Universe had to fix that shit and break him. First carry of the day, broken. It's like your older brother saw you really liked that toy your Dad got you for Christmas, so he punted it into the canal behind your house, an alligator ate it, then shit out backup running back Orleans Darkwa. Knowshon Moreno was on his way to being a Dolphins fan favorite, now he's on his way to the hospital so his elbow can stop grossing everyone out.
In-between suck recap: Ryan Tannehill throws to Mike Wallace like your Dad dances to Imagine Dragons songs.
— Brendan Tobin (@Brendan_Tobin) September 14, 2014
For some reason these two keep stepping on each others toes when they dance. The one bright spot in this game was Mike Wallace's spectacular TD catch in the third-quarter, but outside of that it was another chapter in the Tannehill-Wallace Suckography. Tannehill refuses to trust in the fact that the grass in front of Wallace won't magically turn into a ten-foot-defender, and pick off his pass. Instead Tannehill chooses to gently loft the ball into an area where the guy Wallace just burned likes to chill, forcing Wallace to come back and fight a battle he already should have won. It's infuriating. Not just because Tannehill can't figure this scenario out, and adjust, but that Wallace doesn't play the role of big wide receiver very well, and never wins those mid-air fights.
Late suck recap: The Dolphins special for teams is all-you-can-eat-points for free-fiddy.
IN. YOUR. FFFFFACE!!! pic.twitter.com/u9Vg4xPZCe
— Brendan Tobin (@Brendan_Tobin) September 14, 2014
Dolphins on special teams today: Blocked punt. Allowed kick return for TD. Two shanked punts. Muffed punt turnover.
— Kevin Nogle (@thephinsider) September 14, 2014
102 yards. 12 seconds. 6 points.
— NFL (@nfl) September 14, 2014
The Dolphins special teams was running a blowout special for the Bills Sunday, and Buffalo cashed in on the discounts in a big way a few times. Blocked kicks, kickoff return touchdowns, muffed punts, you name it, it happened. It's bad enough the Phins defense and offense were totally below average in this game, but the special teams made things all-the-more worse. The Bills dominated the game early, but managed only three field goals and a 9-0 lead heading into the half. The Dolphins had a real chance to pull out a win they didn't deserve, but the special teams made sure that didn't happen.
The Miami Dolphins host the Kansas City Chiefs at Sun Life Stadium September 21, at 4:25 p.m.
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