Celebritiest

Jessica Simpson Gets Vanity Fair Cover For Being Sorta Fat Looking in Broward

So let's see. Jessica Simpson's last album was a critical and commercial flop. Her last two movies ended up in straight-to-DVD hell, and unless you're a vengeful Dallas Cowboys fan she really hasn't been relevant since at least 2006. So why, oh, why is she on the cover of Vanity Fair, one of the better mainstream magazines in America?

Oh, it's right on the cover. She showed up in mom jeans looking slightly thicker than usual at the Kiss Country Chilli Cookoff, an event our sister paper up in Broward caught on camera.

So ...Graydon Carter, let me get this straight. All you have to do to get on your cover is show up in Broward County looking less than model thin (though, by no means fat) in bad clothing choices? Awesome. I'll be on Ft. Lauderdale beach this week in one of those American Apparel purple speedos. Someone send the paparazzi, and Graydon get Annie Lebowitz ready for my close up. This plan would be fool proof if it wasn't for the fact that everyone in Broward is already overweight and poorly dressed.

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Kyle Munzenrieder