Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke counsels New York Knicks guard Jeremy Lin.
The New York Knicks and Jeremy Lin are coming to town this Thursday, February 23, to take on the Miami Heat. My advice to Knicks head coach Mike D'Antoni: Lock the Asian-American sensation in his hotel room until tip-off. Now that Lin is an overnight superstar, every female groupie from South Beach to Fort Lauderdale will want to get him into bed. That's one of the benefits of being an NBA baller.
Lin isn't ready for the power of the coochie. He's no Tim Tebow. Why do I say that? First of all, Lin has a Harvard degree and Tebow got his college education at the University of Florida. That's like comparing a rocket scientist to a Honda mechanic. Also, Tebow has won a collegiate national title and the Heisman Trophy, so he's used to girls testing his decision to stay a virgin until marriage.
But Lin was just another unknown D-leaguer before breaking out this season. He's not used to the headlines and babes fawning all over him. Until recently, he was sleeping on his brother's couch and couldn't have gotten laid in Rio de Janeiro during Carnaval. Last week, I'm sure he had every fine model who strutted the catwalk during New York Fashion Week waiting for him outside Madison Square Garden.
Next thing you know, Lin will be walking through Central Park holding hands with a tall, beautiful girl who looks like Tom Brady's wife, Gisele Bundchen.
I wouldn't be surprised to see Kim Kardashian sitting courtside this Thursday night at the American Airlines Arena. She and every come-up reality show star will be the first ones to try to snag Lin. Paris Hilton is gonna run up to him at LIV and say, "Oh, Jeremy, what's up, big boy? Or something like that..."
Then two years down the road, Gisele's clone will divorce Jeremy because he has turned into a sex maniac like Tiger Woods. Lin will be on the cover of the National Enquirer, naked, at some wild orgy featuring foreign NBA players like Tony Parker and Dirk Nowitzki. And his pretty model wife will walk away with half his fortune and endorsement deals.
My advice to Lin: Beware the power of the coochie.
Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.