Jason Taylor Is The Mambo King, Bitch

Jason Taylor once again kicked some dancy ass on Dancing With the Stars last night. He danced the Mambo and impressed the judges with his nimble feet and devilish good looks. He also scored a 9 from all three judges! Tonight is double-elimination night. Two contestants will be gone by the end of the evening. Also gone: my dignity.

Meanwhile, I just discovered that JT has his own blog on ESPN chronicling his adventures in dancing. It's pretty interesting stuff if you have nothing better to do. And by nothing better to do I mean shoving a plunger up some random person's ass or picking your toes. Here's an excerpt:

The only time I'd ever danced—before going on this show—I ended up in the hospital. I was doing the Michael Jackson dance from "Thriller" when I was 11, spun around and fell face-first on a speaker in my house. I was bleeding between the eyes. It's still the most visible scar I've got on my body.

All this time I thought that scar above JT's nose was a result of some routine weekend of wrestling pumas or rescuing orphans from grizzly bears. Or at least something acquired during a football game. But alas, he got it the most stupid way imaginable. And what the hell were those speakers made of? Rocks?

Still it's good to know JT was just as clumsy and just as liable to trip over a cat or some shit and break his teeth as I was when I was 11. This makes me feel better about me. Still. The hospital? My Dad has a saying whenever something bad happens. He says "Puta!" Which means "Bitch!" in Spanish. So, as a child, whenever I would fall and bust my head and blood ran down my face from my fractured hemorrhaging skull, I wouldn't get a trip to the hospital. I'd get a robust "Puta!" followed by a kick in the ass and then an order to go fetch another bottle of beer from the fridge.

So, to sum up, the 11 year old me was a badass while the 11 year old Jason Taylor was a bit of a pussy. Of course, things have changed over the years. Jason Taylor can now pretty much pummel me into a fine powder, earns millions of dollars playing football, serves tirelessly and gives to children's charities, is beloved by women everywhere and dances with hot chicks for cash and prizes. Me? I'm a blogger with pretty cool collection of 1960's nudie playing cards. Check out the 3 of clubs! Lady's got nipples the size of silver dollar pancakes!! -- Chris Joseph

For more on sports from Chris Joseph go to Finsnation.com.

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