October 7, 2011 | 12:05pm
You thought the Marlins' rumored new logo could cause eye cancer? Well, if you value your sense of sight, you might not want to take a peek at the absolutely insane robotic structure the Marlins plan to install in their new stadium. It's like someone vomited a bunch of cliché South Florida imagery on a Guy Harvery shirt after a rough night on South Beach and then motorized it.
This is not some sort of joke. A video was unveiled on the Facebook page of the Miami-Dade County Department of Cultural Affairs
in July, but because apparently no one pays attention to the Facebook page of the Miami-Dade County Department of Cultural Affairs, the eyesore wasn't noticed until now. However, the page does describe it as a "design development," so there's at least some hope the thing could be tweaked before it becomes a reality.
Back in 2009, Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, an art dealer by trade, announced he'd commission three artists to design features for the new park in conjunction with the county's Art in Public Places program.
According to an MLB.com article at the time
, Nashville-born, New York-based artist Red Grooms would be charged with "designing a spectacular signature home-run feature that will be in the center-field area... His display will incorporate water, lasers, sound effects, and caricatures of Marlins."
This is what he apparently came up with.
"When you're in that ballpark, and a Marlins' player hits a home run, the whole park is going to come alive with this feature," said Michael Spring, director of the Miami-Dade Department of Cultural Affairs. "Lasers will go off. It's going to be fabulous."
We can assure you, Mr. Spring, this is far from fabulous. Only easily amused small children, people on psychotropic substances, and our tacky aunt Linda who wears Chico's and Quacker Factory sweaters would classify this as "fabulous."
This is the kind of tackiness that makes us appreciate Britto.
The good news is that the doohickey goes off only after home runs, and if the team continued playing like it has in the past few years, we wouldn't see it that often. Unfortunately, the team is very likely looking to beef up its roster. Assuming, of course, this structure doesn't scare any self-respecting players away.
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