Hurricane Sandy: A Message to the Northeast from Miami

Oh hey Northeast, how you doing? Oh, you're about to get a hurricane. It's a Category One. We totally didn't even hear about it. Oh, wait, that's all we're hearing about right now.

Listen, we're kind of jealous. A hurricane comes towards Florida and it gets maybe a 30 second mention on CNN. One heads towards the Northeast, and it's at the top of the 24/7 news cycle. However, we're sensing you guys are kind of freaking out. Didn't you guys go through this last year? Come on, haven't you adopted a "whatever" attitude towards hurricanes yet?

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Here's some helpful tips from us Floridians, grizzled Hurricane vets.

1. Calm the fuck down: you are not the first people to endure a hurricane
If I had a "I survived Hurricane ______" shirt for every storm I've endured, I could go for weeks at a time without doing laundry. I believe people in certain parts of Florida actually do this. As long as you're prepared there's nothing really to freak out about. Hurricane Sandy is only a Category One. Or as we call it Florida: regular summer weather with a bit more wind. You guys endure things like "blizzards" or whatever. You can handle some rain and wind.

2. Stop making memes
The fuck is wrong with you people? You've set up a site dedicated to Instagram photos of the storm. You're playing "Fuck, Marry, Kill" with weather reporters. You're Photoshopping the hell out of Sandra Dee from Grease. You've canonized a shirtless man in a horse mask. Stop. None of these are even funny. Get off your MacBook Pros and start preparing.

3. Here's your actual Hurricane stock list

  • Liquids: Three gallons of water per person. One handle of liquor per person. And enough appropriate mixers.
  • Canned food, mostly so you're already prepared to donate during Thanksgiving food drives.
  • Non-scented candles. You don't want to be trapped in a small apartment that reeks of thirty different flavors of Yankee Candle.
  • Smokeless tobacco. Nor in an apartment that reeks like an ashtray.
  • Board games, or as they're better known now, non-electronic version of iPhone game apps.
  • Condoms and lube. Candlelight and alcohol can lead to a romantic mood.

4. Stay Inside
With a few tragic exceptions, obviously, a lot of the people who get hurt or killed during minor hurricanes in Florida tend to be idiots who decided to go outside. Now, we know there's some bros out there who are gonna do their best Anderson Cooper impression and decide to brave the elements. Do so at your own risk. If you end up dying, your death will be chalked up more to the laws of Darwin than the laws of weather.

5. Do not drain out your iPhone battery
I know y'all addicted. We are too, but not risk the temptation of draining your phone batter in the first few hours after the storm goes out, and there's always the possibility phone service comes back before electricity. Your Mom back in Iowa is going to freak out and think you're dead if you don't return her texts. 

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