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Hot Coffee

Um, fill it to the top please!

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Your car is not a phone booth. Your car is not your office. As much as you would like to think you can multitask, the reality is you can't. That is why the "gods" (Jobs & Gates) created computers... to fill the gap in the human inability to do two things at once. Now that this has been clarified for you, put down that cell phone and drive!

Some observations from the commute:

Apparently the accepted "buffer zone" from a person talking on a cell in one car to the next car in front of them is 4 car lengths. Now picture every twentieth car doing this... imagine how many more cars could get somewhere faster if this rule was not in effect. If you happen to be in front of me while you are applying the "4 car length rule," you should at the very least have to be talking to me on that phone. If you are going to waste my time, you should have to entertain me, or at least order me a pizza.

Drivers "lean into," or tend to slide into, the lane that is on the same side as the phone up against their ears. Either that, or the walls of I-95 are magnetized. I'm getting my cell phone number detailed onto both sides of my car so that if you really need to be in my lane, you could at least put that phone to good use and call me to let me know. It should also be accepted common courtesy for the rest of us to help (bump) you in the direction you want to go. Trust me, I'd be more than happy to oblige.

While I know this is all wishful thinking on my part, I think we should all agree on one new rule of the road. If you must talk on your cellular device while you are driving, you have to do it while balancing a large, scalding-hot cup of coffee in your lap (preferably a Starbucks venti). You see I'll feel a lot better after you slam into my car, knowing that you'll have a less-than fifty percent chance of creating any future imbeciles from those scorched loins. It's the least you can do for your fellow man. Let's face it, since we are now 300 million strong and growing, we should at least start becoming selective... natural selection, that is.-Michael Shavalier

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Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.