| Sports |

Holy Crap, the Dolphins Won Again!

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

Well that about wraps it up for the first overall pick. The Miami Dolphins were able to both grab an early lead and then not vomit all over it by taking down the vaunted indomitable unconquerable mostly shitty Washington Redskins 20-9 yesterday at Sun Life Stadium.

The win snaps a seven-game home losing streak and gives the Fins their second victory of the season. That's two wins in a row, you guys! Let's go streaking!

The Rundown:

- A two game winning streak! Can you believe it? It's like the shittiness NEVER happened! It's like, magical, bro! PROGRESS and shit!

- That makes 242 total rushing yards in the last three games for Reggie Bush. At first it seemed Kim Kardashian's divorce and Bush's suddenly being good at football was a mere coincidence. But now I'm not so sure. We need to quickly find her a new boyfriend to fake marry so we can get things back on track here

- The Matt Moore Marionette Puppet threw an interception and lost a fumble, but managed to throw 209 yards and not lose to the 3-6 Redskins. Hey way to go you fucking Matt Moore Marionette Puppet!

- So far the Dolphins have beaten the Kansas City Chiefs, who just lost at home to a team that literally has no quarterback, and the Redskins, a team that has Rex Grossman as theirs. A quick glance at the remaining schedule shows zero teams left that are as rottencrotchy as the Chiefs or Redskins. At best there's maybe one win among the remaining games, which would bring it to a grand total of three wins. Yet you gotta love the overly positive Dolphins fans who are spewing unicorns and rainbows out their ass today. These are the same dipshits who are right now calculating just how many more wins Miami needs and how many losses other teams need for the Dolphins to eek their way into the playoffs so they can get trounced in the first round by the Baltimore Ravens. These are also the people who resolutely refuse to jump on the Andrew Luck or even Matt Barkley bandwagon. These people need to have their dicks bitten off by a piranha.

- For those still holding out hope for Andrew Luck, FORGET IT. Yes the Seahawks, Cardinals and Rams all won. But the Colts continue to play football like a barrel of horse cocks. There's no way you can convince me those shitsticks aren't purposely tanking for Luck. I want to throw rocks at Jim Irsay.

- Want to know the last time the Dolphins won a home game? Exactly one year ago today.

​- Apparently a bunch of fans scrambled to grab the ball Reggie Bush threw into the stands after his touchdown, including a dude holding a baby. Two things: Who the shit brings a goddamn baby to an NFL football game, let alone a Dolphins game? Are you that hard up to watch this dick bag one-win team in person that you have to endanger your infant's safety? And then you go and endanger it even further by jumping into a scrum filled with drunken assholes with the baby in your hands to grab a fucking football? You couldn't spring an extra five bucks to ask the girl down the street to baby-sit for four hours? There's a thing called TV that projects images of the game as it happens, you know. Stay home, dickface!

- After the win, Karlos Dansby declared himself the best linebacker in the NFL. So we can just declare anything now and it makes it so? My penis spews diamond rings and shoes from Nordstrom, ladies!

- Tony Sparano after yesterday's win: "It was nice to come in this locker room and celebrate a win. I see 2-7 now as a hill but not a mountain. You see it as a mountain." Actually, I see it more as a shit smear. But it's all subjective, so who knows.

- Waffledicks.

The Dolphins host the Buffalo Bills next Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.

Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.