Humor

Here Are the Hideous $3 Million Signs That Will Soon Greet Visitors to Florida

State Sen. Aaron Bean has a dream. It's a dream so kitschy it makes socks with sandals look classy. A dream so sick it could be stolen from only one place: South Carolina.

Bean wants to string a giant fake suspension bridge over all the interstates leading into our fair state. Two 30-foot towers would be connected by a 40-foot bridge bearing "Florida Welcomes You" and "Thank You for Visiting Florida" on opposite sides.

Prepare yourself, because Bean's dream is about to become our $2.8 million nightmare.

That's how much Bean estimates it will cost to build at least three signs covering I-75 and I-95 at the Georgia border and I-10 at Alabama.

"We've got a little piddly sign and we junk it all up," Bean complained to a reporter about an extant sign. "It doesn't give a welcoming entrance."

The new, noxious notifications are expected to be completed by the fall of 2015. But Bean says the sooner the better for his beautiful faux bridges. He readily admits to borrowing the idea from a recent trip to the capital of class: South Carolina.

"It's extremely stately. You know you're in South Carolina. They've got the flag pole. They've got huge gates on the side. You come in, you go, 'Wow, we're in South Carolina.' There's no other sign. It's just boom," he said.

A more appropriate welcome would be a long metallic tunnel with the words "Welcome to the Gunshine State!"

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Michael E. Miller was a staff writer at Miami New Times for five years. His work for New Times won many national awards, including back-to-back-to-back Sigma Delta Chi medallions. He now covers local enterprise for the Washington Post.