If you have a heart condition or are pregnant, you should not continue reading this article due to possible health-related concerns: The Miami Heat lost. Nope, don't update your Miami New Times app; this is today's news. No need to check if today is April 1, still a few days away. It really happened, and it was weird, dude. The loss came at the hands of the Chicago Bulls, 101-97, in a game where the Heat just couldn't seem to get a head of steam.
LeBron James did his damnedest, finishing with 32 points and seven rebounds. But his supporting cast was the wettest of wet farts.
Dwyane Wade, returning from a two-game hiatus, didn't break double figures until the fourth quarter and wasn't himself most of the night. Chris Bosh finished with 21 but was taken to the tool shed by Carlos Boozer, who finished with 21 points and 17 rebounds. Battier and company played nothing close to their usual lock-down defense, allowing Luol Deng to be an absolute annoyance all night long, killing the Heat from the perimeter and finishing the game with 28 points, seven rebounds, and five assists.
Worst of all was fan favorite Udonis Haslem, who finished with the "Hey, I can do THAT" stat line of ten minutes played and a grand total of zero points and five fouls. He did gather one rebound, however, so he totally owned that particular two seconds of the game. We love Udonis in South Florida, but we like winning more, so more stat lines like this one could lead to fans being all like "More like Udonis Hasbeen, am I right?!" Udonis, if you are reading this, I just wanna say this paragraph was written by someone who was not me, and that guy lives somewhere I do not live.
Un-related news: Papa John's can finally charge full price after a Heat game, so they can totally have themselves a huge helping of my ass. I'm gonna type in "HEATWIN" tomorrow just to see if they even are paying attention at this point. The day this Heat fan pays full price for Papa John's pizza is the day I tattoo the new Dolphins logo on my lower back with an arrow toward my ass that reads "Free Willy Here." This isn't the end, Papa John's. Soon I will taste your delicious pizza for half-price again. Heat fans will once again make you our cheap-pizza whore.
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A lot of people will say this loss was good for the Heat, a blessing in disguise if you will, and I tend to agree. People actually began to ask the question as to whether the streak was a bigger accomplishment than winning another title, one of the dumber things I have heard to date regarding this Heat team and its overall legacy. It's all fun and games until someone loses when it matters. Give me the loss in March over the losses in June -- they don't throw parades for winning streaks.
So suck it up, South Florida: 27-1 does not suck, and together we will get through this. If you ever need someone to call you, know that I'm here for you, except I'm totally not because you're a fucking stranger, but still. I feel sorry for the Hornets on Friday. Someone has to pay for this. Heat fans can't just be expected to take losing once every two months or so sitting down!