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| Sports |

Heat Turns In Worst Offensive Performance of Year, Loses to Celtics

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The Miami Heat has been unstoppable at home since the All-Star break. On the road, however, the team has been a big, heaping pile of ass. And that was certainly the case yesterday during their 91-72 gag reflex of a loss to the Boston Celtics.

Rajon Rondo recorded a triple-double against Miami's defense while the rest of the Cs dominated the game and gave every fan in the house permission to act like the douche sacks they are.

LeBron James finished with 23 points but failed to record a singe assist -- the first time that's happened to him since 2009. Dwyane Wade, who finished with 15 points, had a monster second quarter but then either ran out of gas or just stopped giving a fuck, because he couldn't maintain his balls-out play in the second half.

Chris Bosh was obviously abducted and replaced by aliens who suck at basketball because he not only played like cock but also looked bewildered for most of the afternoon. Bosh scored four points on two-for-flaming-bags-of-dick-11 shooting. Furthermore, he was outplayed and intimidated by 798-year-old Kevin Garnett.

Meanwhile, Mario Chalmers continued to play like an asshole, finishing the afternoon with two points on one-for-five and recording two assists, which is probably the biggest problem the Heat has right now. While Bosh should be OK eventually, Chalmers has been killing the Heat with his pants-filled-with-dookie play since the All-Star break. When a guy is shooting the basketball like it's a beehive, defenses are going to stop defending him and sending their guys to guard your LeBrons and your D-Wades instead. It's essentially five on four at that point. Chalmers needs to get his shit together.

Shane Battier had a decent game, scoring 11 points off the bench. And while his shot is still bipolar, he at least gave the Heat something off the bench. He also gave us the lone Heat highlight of the day when he bounced an inbound pass off Paul Pierce's back to himself and then scored the layup.

The Heat is now 3-7 on the road in the past ten games and is 16-12 away from the triple-A overall.

So, with 15 games remaining in the regular season, is it time to run into the streets with our arms flailing in the air? Is it time to run through a plate-glass window? Is it time to set a random bus on fire? Is it time to stock up on canned goods and gas masks?

No.

Get mad. Be frustrated. Curse Erik Spoelstra's frustrated chipmunk face.

But let's everybody unclench our assholes and understand some things.

The Heat still has LeBron and D-Wade. The Heat still has to play like ass four times in the playoffs to get knocked out.

Times are shitty now. But let's wait for the playoffs before going to our local Exxon station, dousing our pants in gasoline, and smoking a cigarette.

That being said: STOP PLAYING LIKE AN ASSHOLE, MARIO.

The Heat happily plays at home Tuesday against the Philadelphia 76ers. Tip-off is at 7:30 p.m.

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