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Heat Takes 2-0 Lead Against Knicks

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Game 1 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals between the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks was all about LeBron James smashing people's faces with his giant ball sack. Last night's Game 2 was more of a team effort, with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh turning in big-time performances worthy of their awesomeness.

This game had it all: LeBron flying through the air, Mike Bibby's shoes being picked up and thrown away, missed dunks, a dancing Ronny Turiaf, the glorious return of Bizarro Chalmers, and Amar'e Stoudemire saying, "Come at me, bro!" to a fire extinguisher before punching it after the game. (The fire extinguisher won.)

In the end, however, it was all about the 104-94 result for the Heat as the team heads to New York with a 2-0 series lead.

LeBron James didn't turn in his highest-scoring effort, with 19 points. But where he lacked in points, he made up in a thing called efficiency by adding seven rebounds and nine assists. And just as he can destroy your shit with his scoring and attacks to the rim, LeBron can just as easily ruin your day with his defense.

James once again made Carmelo Anthony his own personal hand puppet with his D, completely neutralizing Anthony and repeatedly kicking Melo's offense in the balls until Melo's offense coughed up its own prostate. Without James on him, Melo seemed to be unstoppable, hitting shots at will and setting Shane Battier ablaze in the process. But whenever James switched in, he basically shut down his game, took Anthony out of his rhythm, and sent him a candygram that read, "All your base are belong to me."

LeBron was also able to stem the tide whenever the Knicks looked like they would make a run, doing that thing where he attacks the basket like a freight train while some jackass attempts to foul him as if that could slow him down.

Dwyane Wade led the Heat with 25 points on 11-for-18 shooting. Without Iman Shumpert, the Knicks were forced to throw Landry Fields at Wade. And Wade took full advantage. MV3 attacked the rim with impunity, wrecking the basket with his patented fadeaway off-the-glass jumpers and slash the paint layups, detonating Fields like a giant man-size beef grenade.

Chris Bosh, meanwhile, finally decided to join the party and contributed 21 points, including a dagger three-point shot near the end of regulation to put the game out of reach. Bosh, perhaps recalling he is half-man, half-velociraptor, played his most aggressive game in some time. Instead of standing around watching the other two dudes destroy the competition, Bosh was assertive, created his own shots, and stayed strong on the defensive side.

The biggest news of the game, however, came afterward, when Knicks center Amar'e Stoudemire, perhaps believing he was the lone person in all of human history impervious to broken glass, punched a fire extinguisher's glass case and sliced open his hand. There was blood everywhere on the floor, and Stoudemire was required to get a shitload of stitches. So the Knicks will be without him for Thursday's Game 3, which actually might be a good thing for them. The Knicks' offensive and defensive averages rise with Stoudemire out of the game, going from 98.2 to 104.1 points.

But it doesn't really matter. Stoudemire or no Stoudemire, the Heat is clearly the superior team. And while there are still two more games to win to advance, the Knicks will be without two of their starters, as they slowly fall apart and lose their composure like the German terrorists in the first Die Hard movie when Bruce Willis was kicking their asses so hard they started punching shit.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers.

Game 3 of the best-of-seven series will be in New York this Thursday. Tip-off is at 7 p.m.

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