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| Sports |

Heat Pull Away With Late Run, Win Sixth Straight 117-104 Over Blazers

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Down 102-101 with four minutes left, with danger knocking at the door of the Heat's five-game winning streak, the Miami Heat collectively reminded everyone -- they are the ones that knock. Miami bested the Blazers 117-104 Tuesday night, once again led by LeBron James and his 30 points, six rebounds, nine assists, three steals, and two blocks. LeBron, in turn, continued what is now an NBA record six straight 30-plus point game while shooting greater than 60 percent. Suck it, NBA history! With your short shorts and pasty white thighs and not flying and stuff!

Helping LeBron on this historic night were, wait for it, waaaaaaait for itttttt, DWYANE WADE AND CHRIS BOSH! Bosh would finish with 32, Wade with 24, as the Big 3 combined for 86 points in what may have been their most balanced effort of the season -- but KYRIE IRVING AND 2014 YOU GUYS! Shane Battier chipped in with three triples that seemed to come just at the right time, and Ray Allen broke out of a month-long slump with 14 as the Heat improved their home record to 23-3, and 35-14 overall, notching the franchise's 1,000th all-time win -- we're all gonna get laid!

For whatever reason the Blazers thought it might be a good idea if noted LeBron stopper Sasha Pavlovic covered LeBron James. Bad idea jeans, broseph. LeBron time and time again took Sasha off the dribble and finished at the hole, using him for his own entertainment like an exotic dancer at Tootsies named ... well, I guess Sasha ironically works here, as well. Huh.

Blazers rookie Damian Lillard was impressive in the loss, finishing with a team high 33 points. With the game on the line late, Lillard drove to the hole where he was met by LeBron, and by "met" I mean he received his "Welcome to the NBA moment" from The King -- leading to a Chalmers three that would for all intents and purposes seal the deal for Miami. LeBron would then proceed to give Lillard a wedgie and a nooggie, before he stuffed him in a locker and put his arm around a cheerleader. Not long after, this happened. 

A Finals rematch is next on tap for the Miami Heat as they take on the Oklahoma City Thunder (ewwwww, loud noises that accompany rain!) on Valentines Day. Is there still time to get "Will you have sex with my wife" stamped on one of those chalky tasting hearts for LeBron? I'm asking for a friend.

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